• Do you self sabotage in relationships, your success, and your happiness ?
• Do you find it hard to succeed with your plans and goals?
• Are you looking to stop standing in the way of your own progress?

What is Self-Sabotage?

When someone self-sabotages, they are preventing themselves from making progress, succeeding, or moving forward. Self-sabotage is a repetitive cycle that is hard to break. Self-sabotage starts by:

• Someone deciding to/making an effort to change their behavior 
• This person might have made progress for a while. For example, Carla is trying to eat healthier by avoiding junk food and making meals at home instead of ordering take-out
• One day, Carla is so exhausted from work and doesn’t feel like cooking. She pulls into a drive-through and orders all her favorite foods
• Once Carla eats the fast-food this ONE time, she feels awful about herself and believes that all her progress is ruined
• Carla then wonders “what is the point of all this, anyway?!” and starts eating fast food multiple times a week, again

Carla was making progress with her plans to eat healthier. Her self-sabotage put a stop to all the steps she was taking. Do you relate to Carla? If so, keep reading!

Why Do We Self-Sabotage in Relationships?

Lack of Self-Compassion 

What has Carla done in this instance? When Carla ate junk food ONE time, she showed no compassion to herself. Instead of telling herself that having unhealthy food sometimes is normal and that this one time does not ruin all the work she has done, Carla self-sabotages.

In the Psychology Today article, “Self Sabotage,” the writer mentions the importance of showing yourself self-compassion. In our article, “A Letter for Self-Love and Self-Compassion,” Dr. Junhong (June) Cao talks about how this compassion is necessary in our lives. Self-love and self-compassion involve valuing your own happiness and putting your physical, emotional and mental well-being first.

When you can accept yourself non-judgmentally, support yourself unconditionally, and care for yourself regardless, you grasp one of the most powerful tools to live a happy life.

When someone doesn’t show this understanding to themselves, self-sabotage is bound to happen. Life is a journey with twists and turns, if we don’t accept ourselves during this process, we will ruin our progress. 

Lack of Self-Efficacy and Self-Esteem

According to the APA Dictionary, self-efficacy has to do with whether someone believes they can accomplish tasks and achieve the goal they want. When people have low self-efficacy, as suggested by Ahona Guha DPsych, low self-efficacy promotes self-sabotage. If someone does not have faith in themselves, how can they achieve? 

Low self-esteem makes you feel worthless and incompetent. It can reduce your quality of life in many different ways. When someone has low self-esteem, they usually doubt, criticize, and talk down to themselves. These actions can lead to depression, anxiety, anger, shame. Low self-esteem like low self-efficacy make us believe that we will not and cannot achieve our dreams.

Feeling Like you Don’t Deserve to Succeed

Some people do not feel like they deserve to change. There are many reasons why people feel this way. They may feel like:

• They have hurt too many people
• Others deserve success more
• They do not have the capability to succeed

“They have hurt too many people”

Some people feel like they are too far gone from deserving any help. For example, when someone is an addict they may have hurt others in their worst moments. In her article, Carole Bennett, M.A, suggests that people who are addicts might self-sabotage because they feel like they don’t deserve to access the sober life they fought to achieve. 

“Others deserve success more”

People who have Imposter Syndrome may experience self-sabotage. If you have imposter syndrome, you have significant doubt in yourself and feel like you do not deserve the rewards of your work. In addition, you may compare yourself to other people around you.

With this syndrome, you feel like they deserve the success they have while you do not. As a result, imposter syndrome can cause fear that these peers will one day see you as the imposter that you think you are.

“They do not have the capability to succeed”

As mentioned before, people who have low self-efficacy and self-esteem do not feel like they have the ability to succeed. People who are perfectionist also self-sabotage a lot.

Notably, perfectionists worry about getting things done exactly the way they want. According to Jadidi et al., perfectionists may avoid specific tasks because it gives them immense stress to perform flawlessly. 

Ways People Self-Sabotage in Relationships

• Like Carla, many people self-sabotage when it comes to eating better/getting healthier
• People can self-sabotage by procrastinating their work 
• People self sabotage in relationships and friendships
  • Someone  may feel like they do not deserve love so they cheat on, distance, or break up with their partner no matter how healthy the romantic relationship is.
  • If you self sabotage in relationships, you might do the same in your friendships. People will ruin their connections with others to break free.

Tips on Stopping Self-Sabotage

Working on yourself

Giving yourself understanding and forgiveness when things don’t go according to plan will help you succeed in life. Work on your self-esteem, self-efficacy, and self-compassion. 

Self-Esteem Building

•  Exercise: If you are feeling down about yourself, getting active may help! The great thing about exercise is that it can take so many forms; this wide range will make it easier to find activities that you enjoy! 
• Positive self-talk: In order to succeed, you need to believe in yourself, first! Build yourself up by challenging the negative thoughts that appear in your head. For example, if you think, “I am a failure,” remind yourself that, “I am trying my best and my best is always good enough.”
• Practice gratitude: When you are thankful for the things in your life and about yourself, you will feel great! Gratitude might help you self-sabotage less because you are able to be grateful for the progress you make and the journey you are on. Here are some great tips to enhance gratitude in your daily-life.

Self-Efficacy Boosting

• Make realistic to-do lists: Achieving our goals takes work and effort!
• Start each day by making a doable to-do list!
  • The more realistic it is, the more you will get done.
  • The more you cross of on your list, the better you will feel about yourself!
• Positive Affirmations: Repeat positive affirmations to yourself to help you believe in yourself more! To learn more, read our article here. 
• Journaling: Write down and note when you succeed or worked hard! In times when you feel like a failure, go back and re-read these pages as a reminder of your worth.

Increasing Self-Compassion 

Work on promoting more compassion for yourself. This can be done by comforting yourself when you mess up, taking your own advice you give your loved ones, and supporting yourself even when no one else does. A fun activity to promote self-love and self-compassion is writing a letter to yourself. To learn more about this task, read here. 

Seeking Professional Help

Therapy can help you fight back against your self-sabotaging ways. A Mind Connections therapist can help give you the tools to improve your self-efficacy, self-esteem, and self-compassion. We can also help coach you to achieve success!

If you self sabotage in relationships, we can also help! Mind Connections provides relationship and couples therapy. This treatment will help you and your partner understand each other better, find compromise, and prevent you from self sabotage in relationships.

Even with our best efforts, sometimes we need professional help to lean on for support. People can self-sabotage in very serious ways- a big example of this is through substance abuse. Receiving professional treatment for addiction can save your life! If you struggle with addiction, rehab programs, talking with a therapist, and finding support groups can benefit you majorly. 

You deserve to achieve all of your dreams and live a happy, healthy life! We wish you the best in all your journeys!

Content Creator, Victoria Gallo; Reviewed by Dr. June Cao