Breaking Free from the Perfectionism
There are many reasons why people can fall into the cycle of perfectionism, and once they are in it, breaking free can be challenging.Ultimately, many perfectionists are controlled by fear. They fear making mistakes, not being good enough, having people view them as a failure, etc.
Interestingly, being a perfectionist is something that many people celebrate. A perfectionist is often someone who is looked at as very successful and hard-working, but the downfalls of perfectionism can actually be very challenging for someone to deal with. If you have perfectionism and can relate to this struggle, keep reading!
What is Perfectionism?
Being a perfectionist can seem like a really great thing, as mentioned before. Perfectionists work very hard and don’t stop until every detail of a project is flawless. Although, this can seem like a primarily positive trait to have, a perfectionist may struggle with this need to be flawless deep down. Here are some symptoms of perfectionism that a person can experience.
If you are a perfectionist:
You can’t make mistakes
Being fearful of making mistakes is a very common symptom of perfectionism. If you’re a perfectionist, you might be fearful of making mistakes for many reasons. For once, you worry that you will be judged by others or not seen as the flawless person that you try so hard to display.
Also, you may feel like making mistakes will let others down and you are afraid of what will change once you start showing your true self. You wonder if people will still like you or want you in their life if you can’t be perfect anymore.
You Don’t Give Yourself a Break
If you’re a perfectionist, you probably haven’t taken a break in years. Taking time for yourself feels lazy and counterproductive to do even when you are exhausted. Other than working, you give yourself no time to do anything in your personal life. You haven’t practiced any hobbies in a long time or actually tried anything that you may not be perfect (which actually brings us to our next point).
You Don’t Like Trying New Things
Many perfectionists fear trying new things because they worry that they will not be an expert at them immediately. When they realize that they start doing something and aren’t catching on to it in a short time, they will drop this habit and have no interest in it. A perfectionist would rather forego trying new things then be considered amateur or bad at something.
Why Are People Perfectionists?
People can exhibit traits of a perfectionists for many reasons. For one, many people become perfectionist due to the family dynamics or parenting styles they experienced in their childhood.
If you’re a perfectionist, maybe you had parents that were very hard on you and would uphold very high expectations for you. These parents wouldn’t be happy unless you came home with straight A’s on all your work. Alternatively, you might be a middle child that only garnered attention by going above and beyond. You started developing perfectionism traits due to this lack and eventual need for attention from others.
Low Self -Esteem
Others might become perfectionists because they find their self-worth through others and don’t value their own opinion of themselves. As mentioned in this post, low self-esteem can possibly lead to perfectionism.
You might have grown up as a golden child who always had people telling you how talented and smart you were. Since then, you’re used to finding your fulfillment through academic and professional achievements. However, when you feel like you don’t have these things going for you in your life, you find yourself losing your sense of identity and worth.
Fear of Failure and Rejection
Ever fear that you will be rejected if you aren’t perfect? If your parents demanded perfection, even for the impossible or really trivial things, they could make you feel you are never good enough. As a result, you have an intense fear of rejection or failure. Of course, you want to either try everything you can to be perfect, or avoid any tasks that challenge you.
Trauma
Furthermore, people might also become perfectionists from trauma they experienced. Some studies suggest that childhood trauma or abuse can be linked to a person developing perfectionism.
Think of a toxic relationship, for example. Maybe you were with someone who expected you to be perfect all the time. They constantly criticized the way you look, talk, and act. Subconsciously, this caused you to believe that you had to be perfect in order to be loved.
How to Overcome Perfectionism?
Are there effective ways to break the perfectionist cycle? Yes, below are 6 strategies of how to combat perfectionism:
First, Allow Yourself to Make Mistakes and Learn That Mistakes are Okay
Even if it doesn’t feel like it, allowing yourself to make mistakes can be very freeing. This can be very scary to do especially when you are used to following your flawless itinerary on how to act.
In time, allow yourself to realize that mistakes are not bad and they make us human.
Second, Learn the Value of Making Mistakes
The truth is, making mistakes help us grow and learn about ourselves and life in ways you might not expect. Making a mistake is never the end of our journey if we don’t allow it to stop us from pushing forward and learning.
Third, Try New Things Without the Intention of Being Perfect
Allow yourself to try new things that you might not be an expert at immediately or that you even can sense you won’t be good at from the jump. We all start as beginners and that’s okay!
It is okay to take a while to master skills and it’s even okay if you never end up doing it perfectly. For example, you don’t have to be a trained vocalist to enjoy singing. You can do karaoke just for fun and social aspect of it!
Fourth, Find Value in Your Opinion of Yourself
A lot of times, perfectionists find value through the perception of others. Allow yourself to find value in your own self by doing things for yourself and not for other people.
Building your self-esteem can help you find worth in yourself. You can build self-esteem by stopping the negative self-talk, saying positive affirmations, being more forgiving of yourself, and stopping the comparisons you make to others.
Fifth, Challenge your Behavior of Over-Delivering.
Ever feel that you have to check your work multiple times? Like to create overly detailed plans? Or repeatedly do way more research than you need to? Chances are, such over-delivering behaviors usually lead to procrastination, stress, and anxiety. To make sure you can challenge your behavior, you can first write down why this activity must be perfect. What do you worry about? Is it your professor’s feedback? your co-workers’ sloppiness? or your parents’ criticism? Worst case scenario, what can you do to handle this? When you can challenge your behavior, you will be able to evaluate the impact of every change that you make. As a result, you may assess the positive or negative effects that it has on your life and work.
Lastly, Try Therapy to Free Yourself from Perfectionism
If you want to learn how to finally break your cycle of perfectionism, our perfectionism therapists at Mind Connections are here to help you!
What is the best therapy for perfectionism? Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and Mindfulness-based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) have been found to be effective treatments for people who struggle with perfectionism. Perfectionists often have rigid thought patterns that are difficult to break out of and may hold themselves to impossible standards. CBT helps by altering these thinking patterns and making perfectionists more open to different possibilities. Meanwhile, MBCT can help individuals detach from harmful ways of thinking, be present in the moment, and cope with negative thought patterns. For example, if someone is worried about their work not turning out as expected, mindfulness can help them focus on the present and accept whatever outcome arises.
Perfectionism Test
To better help you with an understanding of perfectionism, we include a Self-Assessment Perfectionism Screening Test (Bill Gaultiere) for your reference.
For each question below answer “yes” if it’s generally true of you and “no” if it’s generally not true of you. (You may want to ask a close family or friend to confirm your answers to be sure you’re being realistic in your self-assessment.)
- I often think that I should’ve done better than I did.
- I tend to put things off if I don’t have the time to do them perfectly.
- I’m afraid to fail when working on an important project.
- I strive to impress others with my best qualities or accomplishments.
- I think less of myself if I repeat a mistake.
- I strive to maintain control of my emotions at all times.
- I get upset when things don’t go as planned.
- I am often disappointed in the quality of other people’s work.
- I feel that my standards couldn’t be too high.
- I’m afraid that people will think less of me if I fail.
- I’m constantly trying to improve myself.
- I’m unhappy if anything I do is considered average.
- My home and office need to be clean and orderly always.
- I feel inferior to others who are more intelligent, attractive, or successful than I.
- I must look my very best whenever I’m out in public.
Scoring: Five or more yes answers suggest a significant problem with perfectionism. (This is a screening test. For an accurate diagnoses of depression or another mental disorder you need to an in person consultation with a health professional.)
Content Creator, Victoria Gallo; Reviewed by Dr. June Cao,