How to Better Manage Your Anger

In order to foster a better understanding of yourself, it is essential to be in tune with your emotions. Emotions appear in a variety of forms; although it is more desirable to feel the positive ones (like happiness and excitement) we also have negative feelings that can be channeled, like anger. Experiencing anger is natural and is part of our human experience. There may be times when you feel that your irritation is warranted; someone may have done something that upset you or made you feel slighted. It is okay to feel anger, but when it seems like this feeling is appearing way too often or is something that you cannot control, you may be experiencing anger management issues. This anger can make you feel overwhelmed, but know that there are healthy ways to manage these emotions. 

Accept that you struggle with anger management

In Dr. Al Ubaidi’s “Control Excessive Anger before it Controls Your Life,” he wanted his patients to come to terms with their anger management issues. It can be hard to look at your actions and find areas that need improvement. 

In order to grow into the highest version of yourself, you need to be able to work on problem areas and improve the way you navigate them. Envision the best version of yourself: what is this version of yourself like, how do they act, and how do they make people feel? Self-growth isn’t always pretty; it can be hard work. Remember to give yourself grace and know that the effort you are putting into yourself will pay off. 

Identify triggers

When dealing with anger management issues, you may wonder where the anger stems from or why it happens. Identifying triggers, like Allen Urich points out in his “Methods of Anger Management” chapter, can be useful in controlling anger. Triggers can be things, people, or situations that evoke this emotion. Think about when you usually get angry. What are you doing in these instances? Who are you talking to or engaging with? Once you can pinpoint the answers to these questions, you can work on ways to control your emotions when you come across these disturbances in the future. 

Find what brings you peace 

Anger is not a pleasant feeling; it disrupts our inner peace and can take over our body and mind. In “Aggression and Violence,” Bushman encourages engaging in activities that create a sense of calmness and combats the “arousal state” present during anger. Listening to peaceful tunes (classical music, instrumental covers, Lo-Fi, nature sounds etc.) can help you find your balance again. Poerio et al., found that ASMR, Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response, videos can bring a sense of peace to listeners and can even relax their heart rate. 

You can also watch a show or movie that makes you feel content. If you like art, participating in a creative medium might distract you from your irritation and allow you to channel your feelings in a creative way. 

When you are angry, you may feel like you are losing control of your body. An excellent way to calm yourself down is by focusing on your breathing. Al Ubaidi suggests a “deep breathing exercise” and “progressive muscle relaxation exercise” that is explained here. Guided meditations and yoga can also be a great way to find your center and channel a sense of peace and relaxation. 

Take a step back

Many times when someone is angered by another person, their first instinct is to snap back at the provoker right away. This rapid reply is especially relevant in the age of social media and texting. Indeed, this is a time when we can reply to someone instantly by just tapping a few buttons.

If you receive a confrontational text or wish to send one to someone, try to put your phone away for a minute. By doing so, you can take a step back to think about the situation. What will you accomplish with this text or message you want to send? Will it resolve any of the problems, or will it just add gasoline to the fire? Try your best to approach others in a calm and collected way; always looking to keep your anger contained. When you share your feelings with someone in this way, the other person may be more agreeable and open to listening to how you feel. 

When an argument happens with someone in person and you feel like your anger is taking over, take a few moments to collect yourself and think about your response. This pause can give you time to cool down and prevent you from saying something in the heat of the moment. There is nothing wrong with taking some time to get your emotions in check and calm yourself down. You have the strength to take control of how you display your feelings. 

Look towards an outside perspective

When your mind is clouded with anger, you might not be thinking clearly. If someone upsets you, you may get defensive. Certainly this could prevent you from seeing things from the other person’s point of view. Find someone whom you can talk about this problem with and express your emotions. Either a friend or trusted third-party will help you. Ask this person to give their unbiased perspective on the situation. Sometimes it can hurt when we receive the hard truth about things you may have done wrong or could have handled better; however, it can be necessary to re-evaluate your actions. These tough conversations can be beneficial if you want to evolve and control your anger.

Be open to apologizing

When you are working on your anger management, you may recall people that your outbursts or harsh words have hurt. If you feel like you have hurt someone by losing control of your temper, apologizing to them can be a significant step in righting this wrong. 

Think about how they may have felt when you showed anger towards them. Trying to create an apology shows empathy and remorse. If you do not talk to this person anymore or do not wish to contact them directly, you can metaphorically apologize by writing them a letter. You may not have to send the letter out, but at least this can even act as a journal prompt. Write down things such as how you feel, what you wish you could say to them, how you are making changes in your life, and that you are sorry for not dealing with your anger in a healthy way. Reflect on your written sentiments and try to accept your mistakes. 

Forgive and show yourself love

Try to forgive yourself for the anger you feel. Emotions can be tough to handle. Without a doubt, experiencing anger is especially draining physically and mentally. Struggling with anger can make us feel bad about ourselves. Remember that you are actively trying to make a positive change in your life and work on the things you wish to better about yourself. This is definitely something to be proud of! That is, this self-work will help you make positive life changes in the future. In order to grow, you need to forgive yourself. 

Mind Connections can help you manage your anger. Our anger management therapists at Mind Connections implement a combination of evidence-based therapy approaches to help you to accept your anger as well as manage your anger more effectively. By dealing with your feelings more effectively, you will be able to rise above your anger and take control of your emotions!

Content Creator, Victoria Gallo; Reviewed by Dr. June Cao