How to Stop Feeling Like a Failure
Do you ever wonder, “How to stop feeling like a failure?” We all feel like a failure at times. Being associated with failing can be challenging; no one wants to think that their efforts were meaningless, their time was wasted, and they disappointed themselves or others. We look at failure very harshly. Instead of looking at it as more of a growing opportunity, we can tend to get embarrassed or feel ashamed.
In a society where people post on social media constantly, it can be hard to escape the success of others. On days you may feel down, you may have to sign in to LinkedIn and feel horrible. You compare yourself to others: their success, promotions, awards, and overall journey. Instead of appreciating how far you’ve come in your journey, you focus more on other people. We need to remember that social media is not real life. Most of the time, people will post their best moments on social media.
This article will go over why we feel like failures, who are most affected, and how to cope when we feel down about ourselves. If you are interested, keep reading!
Who is Affected by Failure?
To put the answer shortly: we all are.
Feeling like a failure is a universal experience- no one is perfect, and we all are bound to make mistakes or let ourselves down. We may feel like failures in our lives; this feeling can affect people of all ages. Let’s explore who is affected by failure and why their shortcomings may hit them harder than most.
Kids Who Grow up in Dysfunctional Families
Growing up in a dysfunctional family can cause problems for developing children – many of which follow them into their adulthood. Experts explain this idea through the “Family Systems Theory,” which basically says that each family member plays a role in and affects one another. Dysfunctional families can take on many different forms – some can be abusive and violent, while others are more emotionally distant and cold.
Some people never receive the support they need as children – their family constantly brings them down, bullies them, or tells them they are “worthless.” Studies show that some dysfunctional families put very high expectations and pressure on kids. If the child doesn’t meet the insanely high standard their parents or relatives set for them, they feel like a failure.
Kids Who Grew Up “Gifted”
Gifted kids also struggle with feelings of failure, especially as they get older. According to the NAGC, being categorized as “gifted” in school signifies a student that performs “at higher levels compared to others of the same age, experience, and environment in one or more domains.” Kids growing up in gifted programs usually have traits like fast comprehension/learning abilities, maturity, and a focus on precision. Gifted programs may seem great, but they also come with downfalls. Many gifted kids struggle when their obsession with precision turns into struggles with perfectionism.
As mentioned in one of our previous articles, perfectionism is when a person desires to be or accomplish things without flaw. When someone is a perfectionist, they try their best to complete each task, assignment, etc., without any mistakes. As a result, perfectionism will affect someone’s work capabilities and professional life. People who desire this error-free existence may also expect others to do the same. When their friends or colleagues mess up, they feel disappointed in themselves. how to stop feeling like a failure
Negative perfectionism causes a hindered self-view. In other words, this type of perfectionism causes people to be harsh on themselves and their abilities. When failure happens to these people, it can really harm perfectionists mentally.
Many gifted children also struggle with “gifted child burnout.” Burnout usually occurs when someone is under intense stress, constantly overworked and uninspired by their surroundings. Gifted children may face immense stress and pressure due to their titles – this pressure makes their failures seem monumental and catastrophic. On the other hand, kids who were not listed as gifted and may have struggled in school, unlike the gifted children, might be made to feel like failures themselves. how to stop feeling like a failure
People Who Struggle With Self-Esteem
People with lower self-esteem levels might feel like failures. Studies show that failure and success influence affect state and self-esteem, and people who have low self-esteem usually get into negative moods. Low self-esteem causes people to do things like:
- Face constant self-doubt, self-criticism, and negative self-talk
- Feel overwhelmed with negative thoughts and emotions
- Believe they are unlikeable, unloved, or generally unwanted
High self-esteem acts as a protective factor for people in challenging times. When negative experiences or failure strikes, having high self-esteem could help people cope in healthier ways. When someone has low self-esteem, they might take it even harder.
Couples Who Separated or Divorced
Being in a relationship can require hard work in rough patches. Sometimes, although the parties try to make it work, the relationship is not meant to last. When this happens, people may feel like they’ve failed at being in a relationship. Divorce rates are at 50% in the United States – when marriages come to an end, it can feel like a sad closing of a chapter. If the couple has kids, they may feel like they failed their family and let them down.
You may have put a lot of work into saving your marriage (couple’s counseling, long talks, being vulnerable with each other, etc.) – after all of this work, it hurts to let go. This all can be attributed to, what experts call, the Sunken Cost Fallacy – the idea that someone continues doing something just because of the time invested in it. The person may realize they would be better off without this relationship or situation but feels like all their work would go to waste if they let go.
Parents With Parent “Guilt”
You may hear the term “mom guilt” or “parent guilt” from time to time. Many parents face guilt for not feeling like good enough parents – they feel like failures. Working moms often feel conflicted – they struggle with the pressure to be a “perfect mom” while juggling a career. In turn, mothers fear making mistakes or being failures as mothers. Research shows that working mothers are at risk of parental burnout, and the more career goals they set, the more they may feel stressed as a mother.
We hold parents, especially mothers, to exceptionally high standards. Children don’t need a perfect parent – they just need someone to love, accept, support, and care/provide for them. As long as you provide these staples, that’s all that matters.
People With Mental Health Struggles
Feeling like a failure can affect people with various mental health struggles. Those with perfectionism, as mentioned before, may feel like failures if they don’t do exceedingly well on every task or venture they do in life. People with depression can face low self-esteem and feel negative about themselves and their lives – they often feel unmotivated to do things and struggle with worthlessness.
Our Society’s Obsession With Success (and Where it Goes Wrong)
Our society is obsessed with hustling – we are urged to work constantly to the point of exhaustion. We tend to judge people more on what they do for a living rather than who they are as a person. While success is important and should be celebrated, it is not everything. As a society, we need to remember that we all are humans at the end of the day. Alexander Pope once said, “to err is human.” Since we all are prone to error and mistakes, we shouldn’t judge failure so harshly. Failure, the opposite of success, should be valued more. Even the most successful people you know or hear about in the news probably failed at one point. Experts start as beginners, after all.
Success is a fantastic feat, but failure also brings many (hidden) positives. Failure springs growth and lessons to be learned. When failure strikes, people find strength and resilience they never even knew they possessed. We all strive for success but should also not look down on or judge harshly the people who have failed or are failing currently. Failure simply happens – it should be met with self-compassion and support.
How to Stop Feeling Like a Failure
1. Embrace Failure
We all fail from time to time, and that is normal! Instead of fearing, running away from, or resenting failure, why not try embracing it? When we face situations that make us uncomfortable in life, we often turn to avoidance. We like to use avoidance to distance ourselves from these pressing emotions – for example, many people ghost other people after dates because they would rather skip the awkward and honest conversations. Instead of facing the issue head-on, they choose to shut off and shut down any further communication.
While no one wants to be in uncomfortable situations, sometimes we have to enter them in order to grow. Rather than ghosting, try expanding your communication and conflict-resolution skills. The same goes with failure – embrace the hurt and disappointment instead of running away from it. Allow yourself to feel your emotions, acknowledge, and value them.
2. Work Through Your Emotions
It can be disappointing to fail. You may have worked hard on a project or proposal only for it to blow up in your face. People might have put high expectations or pressure on you – when you failed, it felt like you let yourself down and others. While these feelings can be tough to accept, embracing them and working through them is key.
First, allow yourself to feel your emotions. Journaling is a great way to express and explore what you are going through. You can use other creative outlets like creative writing, art, listening to music, etc. Next, challenge your thoughts. You can do this by considering these ideas:
- Just because I failed or made a mistake doesn’t mean I am a failure
- Thinking I’m a “failure” is a state of mind – My mess ups don’t define me; I am more than my mistakes
- I am worth more than my school grades, job title, or relationship status
- Making mistakes is okay (and can actually be beneficial for growth)
- Experiences you may consider to be “failures” can lead you to new opportunities that you are much happier in
- I do my best each day, and that is more than enough how to stop feeling like a failure
3. Recognize the Cognitive Distortions about Failure
Typically people may have cognitive distortions about failure. Cognitive distortions are thought patterns that cause people to view reality in irrational and negative ways. For example,
- “My failure means I am bad.”
- “I will never succeed if I fail.”
- “No one will like me if I fail.”
Overall, there are different types of cognitive distortions, such as,
Black-or-white thinking, or all-or-nothing thinking.
This distorted thinking polarizes everything and does not count anything in between. For instance, “Either I divorce and am a failure, or I stay in marriage and am a success.”
Overgeneralization
It means you reach a conclusion about one event and then incorrectly apply that conclusion across the board. For example, “I failed that spelling test. It means I am not good at school and I should quit.”
Mind reading
Mind reading is when you assume you know what others are thinking. This distorted thinking pattern is mostly associated with your own self-criticism. For instance, “Everyone will laugh at me if I fail.”
“Should” Statement
Apparently this distorted thinking involves the use of “should” and set exceptionally high expectations. “I should always get an A in my exams”; or “I should never fail anything in my life”. As a result, such “should” statements could easily lead to anxiety.
Emotional Reasoning
Emotional reasoning is the false belief that your emotions are the truth; in other words, how you feel about a situation is the reality of the situation itself. When you discount evidence, your emotions will cloud your thoughts. This in turn clouds your reality. An example of emotional reasoning is, “If I fail to find a job, I feel terrible, and I told myself I must be a loser and can never find a job.”
After you identify these cognitive distortions, it is important to develop rational thoughts about failure, that is to change or reframe such distorted thinking pattern. Finding evidence, for example, is essential to prepare you to change your distortions. Practicing a cost-benefit analysis is helpful too. This way, you can weight the pros and cons of your thought patterns. In general, this can motivate you to change the cognitive distortions.
4. Build Self-Esteem and Compassion
Work on building your self-esteem up. When you build up your self-esteem, you can value yourself and what you want in life more.
Building your self-esteem helps you feel good about yourself and honor your opinion more than anyone else’s – this can be helpful when you worry about other people’s expectations of you. Also, when if you happen to fail in the future, you will have your higher self-esteem act as a protective factor.
Also, self-compassion is important in coping with failure. Self-compassion allows us to accept who we are, forgive ourselves, and support ourselves when we mess up. Think of the compassion and care you show your best friend. You should also show this compassion to yourself in times of defeat or sadness!
5. Let Go and Move On
After you embrace your failure, the key is to look at all of these thoughts and emotions clearly and without judgement. By doing so, you will find it easier to move on. When you gain perspectives, it is more natural to tell yourself, mistakes happen! As long as you learn a lesson, there is no need to dwell on the past and suffer. That is, holding on to your failures and mishaps might prevent you from overall healing. To learn more about this process, read our article here.
6. Find Support
If you feel down about failing or think you are a failure, it is helpful to lean on or turn to others. Go to a loved one to vent to and receive support from. We feel seen and heard when we connect with people who share similar experiences as us. Try talking with a friend who understands what failure can feel like – they may have valuable advice to give you. If you are going through a separation/breakup or are struggling with the pressures of parenthood, joining support groups can help you feel supported.
Leaning on others can help you see that you are not alone and that other people understand you in this world.
7. Seek Therapy to Cope with Feeling like a Failure
Therapy can help people deal with feelings of failure. If you struggle with depression, OCD, perfectionism, or any other mental health struggle – know you are not alone! A therapist can help you cope with these feelings, build self-esteem, disprove negative thoughts, and live a happier life
At Mind Connections, we aim to help you to overcome emotional difficulties of feeling like a failure. The CBT therapists in NYC will help you to practice healthy ways to manage your emotions, reframe your negative thoughts, and eventually help you to heal. Contact us for a free 15-minute phone call to find the best match for you.
Content Creator, Victoria Gallo; Reviewed by Dr. June Cao