We all want the best for our loved ones. We would do anything to make them happy, ensure their health, and protect them in this life. Finding out your friend or family member has depression can be heartbreaking. The weight of the world hits you – suddenly you are googling ways to help them and tips about providing supportive. You may wonder about what to say to a depressed friend.

First, Mind Connections wants you to know that you are not alone! Unfortunately, depression is one of the most common mental health issues. Overall, it affects close to 10% American adults each year. There are so many people out there, like you, desperately trying to help their loved one with depression.

Above all, know that you are a thoughtful and caring friend to this person in your life. Any help you provide makes a difference in their life! Sometimes, just knowing someone cares about you and your well-being means so much! With this intention, our depression therapists at Mind Connections provides a list of helpful things to say to your depressed loved one below.

This article will go over what to say to a depressed friend and what would be better left unsaid! Read more if you are interested! 

5 Things Not to Say to Your Depressed Friend

First, “You don’t need to be Sad, Other People Have it Worse!”

Oftentimes, people try to comfort their loved one by forcing them to look on the positive side. They tell the depressed friend that other people in the world are starving or homeless; they compare their friend’s problems to the worst things in life. The person usually has good intentions, by all means, but doesn’t realize that these statements are highly invalidating.

When people are hurt or upset, most of the time, they just want someone to listen to them and provide support. Just because someone “may have it worse than them” doesn’t mean their feelings and emotions don’t mater. 

Instead try: “I hear and acknowledge your feelings/emotions. You deserve support! I am here for you, to help in whatever way you need.

Second, “Stop Being Sad! You Need to Just Focus on Being Happy!”

You may be eager to learn how to cheer up a depressed friend; however, words of encouragement for depressed friend and toxic positivity are different. Toxic positivity is the idea that constant positive thinking will help a person overcome all. As much as positive affirmations and speaking kindly to yourself matters, it is not always a cure-all to people’s suffering. That is, when you use too much toxic positivity, no wonder your depressed friend cut you off.

Also, depression can be caused by a variety of reason. Things like chemical imbalances and genetic dispositions are not factors that can just be cured with simply choosing to be happy. Some people who struggle with depression find the “just be happy” suggestion to be quite upsetting. Sometimes, you just need to feel your emotions. Pushing them away with constant positive thinking doesn’t allow a person to confront their underlying issues or heal.

Sometimes, depressed people have already exhausted all of their options. They’ve tried “just being positive” and it didn’t work. These people may need certain medications and therapy techniques to help them, instead. 

Instead try: “I am here to support you. You make my life so much better and I hope one day you feel happiness again. You deserve it.”

Third, “Get Out of Bed! You Are so Lazy, You Need to Take Care of Yourself Better.”

Depression affects every part of someone’s life and inflicts difficulty into each turn they take. Notably, depression causes people to struggle with taking care of themselves in many ways. Someone with depression struggles to see the joy in life. Their motivation is lowered and they have depleted energy levels. 

As much as you want to give advice to your depressed friend, it is important to recognize the truth about depression. In reality, it is not glamorized like the movies or TV suggest. There are many things depressed people find challenging to share with others. For example, many people with depression find it hard to keep up with their hygiene and shower/brush their teeth.

When depressed people, for example, go to the dentist they fear being judged by others. People will say they are just too “lazy” to do these tasks. This idea is not right! No one knows what happens behind the closed doors of someone’s life. We need to remember to offer compassion/empathy to others and not judge them. 

Instead try, “What can I help you with? I am here to help you accomplish anything you need. Do you want me to assist you in cleaning your room, making your bed, setting a doctor’s appointment, etc.”

Fourth, “I Liked the Old you Before Depression! We Used to Have so Much Fun!”

You may be having a hard time coping with your loved one’s depression. Whenever you think of the past, you get sad remembering what used to be. It is OK to feel your emotions. Of course you can feel sadness over the changing times and by seeing your friend so low. With this in mind, you need to remember, however, not to make this about yourself. 

Your loved one’s depression can upset you, but do not make the situation all about you. This can feel extremely invalidating for someone who struggles each day with this disorder. As much as you miss the “good old times,” they miss them even more. 

As mentioned before, sometimes depressed people can’t even get out of bed or brush their teeth. They wish they could make things in their life better too. Also, when you say “I miss the old you.” It makes your depressed friend feel even worse about who they are now. They will get self-conscious and feel like they are not good enough.

Instead try: “I love you for who you are. No matter what, I am by your side. I value you and am so happy you are in my life.”

Fifth, “You Don’t Need Therapy! Therapy is for Crazy People! You just Need to Focus on Getting Better!”

In the first place, there are many things wrong with this statement. For one thing, therapy is not just for “crazy people.” Calling people who go to therapy or need mental help “crazy” is very stigmatizing and harmful. These stigmas uphold prejudice in people’s minds and prevents people from getting the proper (sometimes, life-saving) help they need. Your friend with depression may need help desperately. Depression is serious! In fact, major depressive disorder can be one of the contributing factors to to suicide.

Therapy can help your loved one in so many ways! Notably, early treatment can really make a difference in a person’s life. Studies show Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, CBT, effectively treats depression. That is, it helps people reframe client’s negative thoughts/feelings and lessen their symptoms.

Other helpful therapy options include:

• Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT)
• Mindfulness-Based Therapy (MBCT)
• Psychodynamics
• Depression Group Therapy
• Online Therapy for Depression

Instead try: “I support you in receiving therapy! I can help you book an appointment or find someone great to talk to.

Other Helpful Things to Say to a Friend With Depression

• You are doing great, and you are so strong! I am so proud of you each day!
• I am so lucky to have you in my life.
• I want you to know that our friendship means a lot to me.
• You can trust me with anything.
• I am always here for you.
• You are never alone!
• Let me know if I can help you with anything.
• Hey, I’m just texting to check in. Love you!
• I understand and support you if you need space. Know that you can always reach out to me if you need someone!

Take Care of Yourself

As much as you worry about your loved one with depression, remember to take care of yourself too. Listen to your mind and body in times where you feel totally discouraged and sad. Practice self-care and allow yourself to feel your emotions.

For example, you are allowed to feel sad and stressed over your friends depression; it doesn’t make you a bad friend. Without imposing on your friend with depression, take time to feel your emotions, maybe even let out a good cry. After, do things that will lift you up and improve your mood like: watching your favorite show, venting to a trusted friend, or journaling. You deserve support just as much as your friend does!

When You are Thinking about What to Say to a Depressed Friend, Remember…

The support you are giving your loved one matters so much! As mentioned earlier, sometimes just knowing someone cares makes all the difference in a depressed person’s life. Continue asking them what you can do to help, respecting any space they need, and encouraging them to come to you for anything! 

If you want to help your loved one to start therapy, our depression therapists at Mind Connections is here! Our therapists provide effective counseling and treatment that helps people cope with and lessen their depression symptoms. They are dedicated to designing therapy plans that fit each client’s unique issues and needs. We want to help anyone with depression receive useful tools for coping and inner-peace/happiness once more! Call now to learn more or book online!

Content Creator, Victoria Gallo; Reviewed by Dr. June Cao