Toxic Positivity: Its Harm, Risks, And Tips To Avoid It
“Just be positive. Things could be worse.”
“Look at the bright side. It’s a blessing in disguise.”
“Everything happens for a reason. Things will be better soon. You’ll get over it.”
“Stop being so negative. Good vibes only.”
Do these sound familiar? How did you feel when you received this advice? This obsession with positive thinking is toxic positivity. It literally attempts to put a positive spin on everything, including tragic experiences.
Toxic positivity is when people feel like positive thinking will solve all problems. Such dismissive positive statements make people believe that their negative thoughts are completely harmful, and therefore should be covered up with positive ones instead. Not only does this harm the person’s ability to heal but also is not realistic. It is impossible to truly think positively 24/7.
Also, constant positive thought may not be as effective as you would think to having someone feel better. As a matter of fact, some studies say that suppressing your true emotions can lead to negative effects on well-being.
What Does Toxic Positivity Look Like?
Toxic positivity
Toxic positivity can show up in many areas of your life. Here are some toxic positivity examples:
First, imagine this scenario. Lily is in a sad mood. Lily goes on social media to distract herself. She ends up finding posts that say just to “be happy” and “challenge negative thoughts.” Usually, Lily likes this advice, but today it feels too hard. She is upset about failing a test because se didn’t study. Can Lily allow herself just to be sad for the moment?
Second, think of this situation. As mentioned before, some people tell their friends looking for advice just to be positive. Imagine a boy named Arnold lost his grandmother recently. If someone told him this advice, it may feel invalidating and upsetting to Arnold. Just “being positive” doesn’t feel natural when he misses his grandmother so much. It will take time for Arnold to heal, and that is totally normal. In like manner to Lily, Arnold asks himself: “Why can’t I just be upset for the moment?” “Is that so bad?”in addition
What do these two situations have in common? Lily and Arnold are both going through a challenging time. Lily’s emotions are equally important to Arnold’s. Being hurt should not be measured or compared to others- this invalidates people’s emotions. In the same fashion, toxic positivity also makes people feel like their emotions aren’t valid.
Some more toxic positivity examples:
Refusing to let yourself cry or be vulnerable
Letting people hurt you constantly because you don’t want to express disappointment or anger
Refusing to watch shows involving sad or serious situations/characters
Focusing on gratitude as a way to invalidate your emotions. In particular, when they tell you that you should be grateful or count your blessings.
What are the Risks of Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity can bring more harm than good. Human beings have a wide range of emotions. Despite the label of “positive” or “negative”, all emotions are there to support our psychological well-being. Actually negative emotions exist for a good reason, especially to aid our survival.
For example, fear and anxiety may alert us to a dangerous situation, similarly, anger is a normal response to injustice or mistreatment. By the same token, sadness has some adaptive functions. In other words, sadness can help people improve attention to external details, reduce judgmental bias, increase perseverance, and promote generosity.
Toxic Positivity is Another Form of Gaslighting
When someone tries to show toxic positivity by saying “just be positive”, it is actually another form of gaslighting. Or brightsiding is a subcategory of gaslighting. Simply look at the similarities between the two. They both deny the reality, bombard you with a harsh lecture on how things aren’t as bad as you might think. On the other hand, they both make you doubt yourself, your experiences, and your feelings. That is, you will judge yourself and feel guilty for your “negative” emotions arise.
When we only try to keep positivity and don’t allow negative emotions, basic survival and self-protection can be in jeopardy. In the event of domestic violence, child and elderly abuse, for instance, toxic positivity could expose victims to stay with abusers in a dangerous environment. Similarly, in the context of addiction, substance use turns into abuse when it begins to interfere with other parts of your life, positivity can become toxic when it is forcefully used to downplay, delegitimize or undervalue negative emotions.
2. Toxic positivity leads to mental health issues
Toxic positivity
Not talking about negative emotions would not make them go away. In fact, when you suppress emotions, they may accumulate to turn to bigger mental health issues. In our article, “Out of Touch with Your Emotions? You may Need a Good Cry,” the idea of suppressing one’s emotions is discussed. Studies show that there is danger from hiding or avoiding emotions. You may think that not focusing on your emotions is best, but it really harms you in the end.
In light of emotional suppression is the idea of toxic positivity. If someone uses positivity to mask their true emotions all the time, they are never fully feeling at all.
3. Toxic positivity could cause shame and isolation
If you feel pressure to always show your positive side, seeking support and help from others can become a taboo. Having to hide your true emotions, you could feel guilty and ashamed of any negativity in life. Consequently, withdrawal and isolation could become your preference. As we all know, such isolation and negative self-talk form the recipe of depression and other mental health illnesses. Research has clearly shown that stigma also prevents you from seeking mental health services.
4. Toxic positivity may result in an unhealthy relationship.
There are always ups and downs in any relationships. When you face challenges and issues in a relationship, open communication is the best strategy. However, if you have to wear a smile all the time regardless of disagreements and conflicts, chances are, real issues will be buried and eventually turn to bigger problems. In marriage, this could lead to growing apart, affairs, and sudden divorce. At work, this may cause burnout, low productivity, and high turnover rate.
How to Go Against Toxic Positivity
Toxic positivity wants people to be positive no matter what the circumstances are. In order to heal and grow, you need to be able to realize, accept, and deal with your emotions, whether they are positive or unwanted. That is, it is ok to feel negative.
If a friend or family member tries to push toxic positivity when you’re feeling down, what can you do? It’s important to stand firm and set boundary. Only you know exactly how you’re feeling. Of course you can say that you would rather feel the difficult emotions before looking at the bright side. Also it’s ok to let people know you want to face your emotions and process them first. By doing so, you draw the line assertively.
Overall, some toxic positivity is self-imposed, and some are what we impose on others. You can avoid imposing toxic positivity on others. Specifically,
practice and get more comfortable with negative emotions
encourage others to speak openly and honestly about their emotions
avoid trying to always have a positive response
With regards to strategies to avoid self-imposing toxic positivity, below is a list:
1. Acknowledge it’s normal to have negative emotions
Basically, emotions aren’t necessarily good or bad, they are just states and signals that allow us to pay more attention to the events that create them. As stated earlier, negative emotions are not always pleasant to experience, but they are there to alert us that something needs to change and to motivate us to make that change. More often, these unwanted emotions are beneficial because they can also send us messages for us to better survive.
2. Identify and name negative emotions instead of avoiding them
toxic positivity – emotions chart
How many emotions can you name? Most adults can only name 3 or 4 of them, happiness, sadness, anger, and fear. Research has shown the effectiveness of identifying and naming emotions. That is, simply naming your emotions such as fear of spiders can help to reduce the intensity of anxiety. On the contrary, avoiding emotions can only make you in a “flight” mode temporarily, that is, you still get stuck in these unwanted emotions, there is no way out without facing them.
3. Express your emotions whether they are positive or negative
Explore and express your emotions through journal writing and talking to your trusted friends and family. Some helpful prompts can be:
How am I feeling?
Am I pretending to be positive?
What actually makes me happy?
What are emotions I am afraid to feel? Why do I feel this way?
You can also channel your emotions by listening to music. This way, you allow yourself to feel and recognize your emotions as the tune or lyrics come up. In addition, crying it out is another way to express your emotions. Sometimes we all just need a good cry. Crying helps people let out their emotions and vent. Cry to yourself, to your family, or friends.To learn more, read our very useful article here.
4. Mindfulness Practices
Many times, when we are toxically positive, we try and keep our minds on anything but the present moment. We avoid our thoughts and replace them with other topics. Mindfulness allows for people to stop this cycle!
Jon Kabat-Zinn created Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR). MBSR helps a person to access moment-to-moment nonjudgemental thinking.
There are 9 popular attitudes associated with MBSR. Channeling these ideas into your daily routine can help improve your relationship with your life, yourself, and others.
The 9 attitudes of Mindfulness
Beginner’s mind
Appreciate the newness of each moment
Non-judging
Pay attention on purpose and non-judgmentally.
Acceptance
Embrace things for what they are.
Trust
Trust your body and how it supports your life.
Letting go
Let life exist as it is. Do not get caught up in having things turn out a certain way.
Patience
Recognize that you will have to wait for certain things
Non-striving
Navigate the unfolding of life without any agenda or expectation.
Gratitude
Be grateful for all that you have
Generosity
Recognize how powerful it is to make others happy. Generosity enhances your relationships and shows that you care.
Mindfulness Meditation
As mentioned before, Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) helps people stay in and appreciate the present moment. Meditation is a great way to do this! This coping skill towards the toxic positivity examples is helpful to people longing for quiet and peace.
5. Take a Break from Social Media
If you find yourself feeling upset by the constant toxic positivity posts on your feed,
You can either mute them/their posts. In worse cases, unfollow accounts that no longest. Here are some tips on a making the funniest videos.
6. Seeking support and help
When you seek support from others, make sure to talk to those who are accepting and not judgmental. This way, you do not need to worry about being told to “chin up” when you feel down. When you can find a trusting friend to talk to, you can expand your sense of connection. Meanwhile, this would enhance your self-compassion while you invest in relationships.
Do you relate to all of the toxic positivity examples? A therapist can also help you talk out your emotions and come up with effective coping solutions. Bottom line, therapy assist you to find the balance between positivity and being honest with yourself.
Our therapists at Mind Connections can help people who deal with the negative effects of the disorder. We have support available in depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. Call now to learn more!
