Spending time together is essential but not easy for a romantic relationship. Approximately half of the first marriages end in a divorce or separation in the U.S. Yet spending time almost 24/7 during the COVID pandemic brings more strains and conflicts. Couples often struggle with various issues, such as emotional disengagement, infidelity, financial issues, power struggles, jealousy, communication difficulties, and sexual dissatisfaction. Online couples therapy can be an answer to your relationship problems.

High-quality couples counseling can help you to resolve conflicts, cope with distress, prevent breakup or divorce, and improve your relationship while you grow together with your partner. However, many couples do not receive therapy even though their marriage is close to the breaking point. We will answer questions you may have about couples therapy or marriage counseling, particularly when it is all virtual during the pandemic.

1. What is couples therapy or marriage counseling?

Couples therapy or marriage counseling is a type of psychotherapy. It helps couples of all types to gain insight in their relationship, resolve conflict and improve relationship satisfaction, make thoughtful decisions. These decisions may be either about rebuilding and strengthening your relationship, or going your separate ways. In other words, couples therapist treats the relationship itself rather than each individual separately.

2. Is couples therapy effective? How about virtual marriage counseling?

Research results on couples counseling are positive and substantial across different cultural groups. Based on a survey by American Association of Marriage and Family, more than 97% of couples said they got the help they needed from couples therapy. Approximately 93% of couples said therapy gave them more effective tools for dealing with conflict. In addition, most couples are able to gain insight into their relational patterns, increase emotional expression, and improve communication and problem-solving skills with their partners more effectively.

Studies of online therapy, in general, show that it is as effective as in-person therapy in treating all sorts of issues. Another study found the web-based programs for couples improved relationship satisfaction and reduced symptoms of depression and anxiety. Overall, 97% of the couples said they would recommend the program to a friend. 

3. How does couples counseling work?

Couples therapy usually starts with initial evaluation that includes standard interview questions to assess the history of the relationship, each partner’s backgrounds, values, and understanding of their relationship issues. 

The couples therapist will assist the couple to identify the issues in their relationship, establish treatment goals, and plan a structure for intervention.

During the treatment phase, the therapist will help the couple to gain insight into the relational dynamics and help them to understand their roles in the dysfunctional interactions. With a different perception of the relationship and their roles, the couple can learn to change their behaviors and ways of interacting with each other. Couples therapists often give the couple homework assignments to practice the skills they have learned in therapy in their daily interactions.

4. Who can benefit from online couples therapy?

Teletherapy for couples, similar to in-person couples therapy, can benefit partners from diverse backgrounds, choices, and preferences. This could include,

• People with different sexual and gender identity, either straight or gay couples;
• Couples of all ethnic groups and interracial relationships;
• People at different age groups, teenage or college relationships, couples with a big age gap, and married couples for many years but still need to work on their relationship;
• Couples who are at dating stage but need to learn how to be in a healthy relationship;
• Premarital counseling for people who are engaged or ready to get married;
• Couples who face breakup, separation, or divorce;
• Couples who need to learn parenting or co-parenting after a separation or divorce;
• A happy couple who may want to learn how to improve sex life, argue less, or have more productive communication;
• People in alternative relationships, or outside of the monogamy “norm”, such as consensual nonmonagomy, polyamory, swinging, and couples in an open relationship

5. What issues can online couples counseling help you with?

Online couples therapy could help to address different areas of concerns. It includes communication problems, issues with money, intimacy or sexual issues, infidelity, parenting, in-laws, chronic health issues, infertility, gambling, substance use, emotional distance and frequent conflicts.

Take divorce as an example. You don’t need to wait until you are about to break up. If your relationship becomes shaky, divorce is not the only option. Marriage counseling can help you to figure out what is going on with your relationship. At the same time, it helps to restore the foundation of your marriage and figure out the appropriate decision. Marital counseling assists you to heal old wounds and start fresh again if you choose to stay in your marriage. Even if you decide to end it, understanding your past relationship dynamic could at least assist you to stop repeating your relationship patterns. This way, it serves as a great aid to improve yourself in future relationships.

6. Is online couples therapy as effective as therapy in office?

Research shows that online counseling can be just as effective as traditional in-person therapy. Virtual counseling for couples is fairly simple to navigate. Therefore, it is very beneficial for couples in a long-distance relationship. Similarly, it is ideal for those couples when one or both partners frequently travel and are unable to coordinate a time to attend couples therapy sessions together.

When couples live in the same house, sitting together and communicating through a singular device can simulate an in-person therapy session. In fact, having to sit closer together for visibility on the camera may even make the couple feel more connected during the session; By the same token, teletherapy for couples in a long distance relationship may increase their understanding of each other and themselves. Couples can “see not only their partner’s nonverbal behavior, but their own as well,” through the device’s screen. In other words, couples are able to experience what they look like from their partner’s point of view. This may help the partners work on their own “maladaptive behaviors” and better understand the other’s perspective.

7. What if my partner does not want to go to couples therapy with me?

• Ask the reason

Ask the reason why your partner is ambivalent about couples therapy. It could be because of

• negative experience in the past?
• reluctance of airing out the dirty laundry to a stranger?
• concerns of therapy leading to divorce?
• some stigma about therapy?

By openly discussing this, you can better understand if there are any of their objections that you can address.

• A phone call with a therapist

Invite your partner to have a brief phone call with a couples therapist for information gathering. This is to feel what it is like to talk to a therapist.

• Ask your partner to see a therapist just once

Ask whether your partner is willing to try to see the therapist with you only once. This may be like a get-acquaintance session with the therapist to help your partner to stop perpetuating negative patterns and work as a team to address your issues.

• Try something different

Ask your partner to try something different, such as read a blog post or a book with you, attend a relationship webinar or workshop together, or check out a therapist’s website with you. Doing this can help your partner to gain insight into relationship issues.

• Learn skills together

Attend therapy alone to learn skills to improve your relationship. This may not be ideal, but both partners are responsible for creating a distressed relationship, therefore, by learning to be a better partner, hopefully you can cross the bridge into your partner’s world.

• Know your boundaries

Know your needs and set boundaries with your partner. Tell them 

• the issues you see in the relationship,
• what you hope to get professional help with,
• what it means to you to seek couples counseling,
• how couples therapy can help,
• what could happen to the relationship if you do not seek help, and
• the worst case scenario if it is a deal breaker to the relationship.

This last part may sound like an ultimatum and can only be used when it is true rather than a manipulation. However, it is important that you use assertiveness skills to voice your needs.

8. How to prepare for couples therapy

• Discuss shared goals both you and your partner want out of therapy.
• Search and find the couples therapist that is a good fit. Check their profile, website, videos, and reviews. This way, you will have an impression of what they do and whether you may feel comfortable with them.
• Prepare a list of questions and talk to the therapist on the phone. By doing so, you may get some ideas of the therapist’s approach, experiences, specialty, and whether they have handled similar issues as yours.
• At your appointment time, find a private place, get rid of the distractions, and join on one screen to get the best out of couples therapy. 

Written by Dr. June Cao