You don’t have to be a push-over to ask this question, “How to say No to people?” However, if you feel like you are letting people down by saying No, you may very well have people pleasing behaviors. Here is a good to learn how to stop saying yes as much.
Why Is It So Hard to Say No?
You may be wondering why it is so difficult for you to say no to people. There may be times in your life where you do not want to say yes to certain people or situations but cannot get yourself to say that two-letter word. Know that you are not alone and many people struggle with this! There are multiple reasons why you could be feeling this way.
Guilted into Saying Yes
Sometimes, we feel guilty when we have to say no to someone. This person may be someone you really care about and hate letting down. Especially when people help us a lot, we feel like saying no to them is disappointing and unfair.
Furthermore, the person you are saying no to may try and guilt you into doing something you don’t want to do. One way to do this is through peer pressure. Peers are very important to youth as they grow up. Accordning to The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP), peers can have a positive effect on adolescents. Friends can help encourage each other to make good choices and better themselves.
This, unfortunately, isn’t always the case. When it comes to things like drinking or other risky behaviors, there may be peers who want to pressure others. Along with peer pressure, research, says that saying no to drinking can be hard for youth because they risk being excluded and shunned. The AACAP urges parents to help their kids learn to say no in these challenging situations.
People Pleasers Find it Hard to Say No
You or the people around you may label you as a “people pleaser.” A people pleaser is someone who is usually liked by others for being easy-going and very agreeable. These people say yes many more times than they say no. Dr. Sherry Pagoto states that people may feel this way because they fear rejection from others. People pleasers fear that saying no to someone will cause the other person not to like them anymore.
Pagoto also thinks that people’s pleasing tendencies can come from fear of failure. This behavior and way of thinking can start in childhood. If parents are overly hard on their kids for the mistakes they make, the child can grow up to develop anxiety over disappointing others.
Breaking the Cycle of Saying Yes is Hard
When you are constantly saying yes to people, it can feel hard to stop this pattern. We may get so used to saying this three-letter word that people start expecting it from us and assume that we will always do what they want. Most of the time, people who struggle with saying no are just trying to be nice and cater to the people they care about.
Unfortunately, people with ill intentions can catch onto this. We become yes-men to these people, often doing what the other person wants despite our comfort level or boundaries.
When should I say No?
If you are used to saying yes, it can be hard to figure out when to start saying no, finally. One way to do this is to use the acronym, FIGHT.
FIGHT the Urge to Say Yes:
F is for “For Who?”
If you are determining whether to say no to someone or not, figure out why you would be doing this action. If it is only to make the other person happy, this can be a reason to say no. As much as you want to please others, this is YOUR life! You deserve to do things because you want to do them.
A good friend wants you to grow and become the best version of yourself. A friend should want you to face your fears so you can live a happier life. If someone wants you to do things solely for their gain, that is not ok.
I is for “Is this going against my boundaries/morals?
One way to determine whether to say no or yes to a person/situation is by seeing if it goes against your boundaries or morals. If you set a boundary with someone and they ignore it, that is not ok! You deserve to have your limits heard and valued.
For example, during this pandemic, many people had different levels of comfort. When guidelines were stricter, some people didn’t follow recommendations to social distance and wear a mask as closely as others. During this time “COVID-19 gas-lighting” took place. This is the idea that people didn’t take their friend’s concerns seriously and made them feel crazy for wanting to stay safe. People would try to get their friends to do things with them even though they were uncomfortable.
G is for “Are they guilting me?”
As mentioned before, no one should guilt you into doing things you do not want to do. If someone is guilting you, they are trying to manipulate you, and that is wrong! Your boundaries should be respected and recognized.
H is for “Will this make me happy?”
If you are a people pleaser, you constantly think about how your actions make other feels. Try to stop and think about if your actions are making you happy, instead. If constantly saying yes to someone brings you sadness or stress, this is a sign to start saying no. In life, there will be times where we may have to endure things that are uncomfortable (like a school presentation, starting a new job. etc.). In these times, it may be worth some temporary discomfort for overall growth.
There are things in life we cannot control, but others we can. With our loved ones or experiences outside of work/school, we should have more of a say in what we do and if it makes us happy. You deserve to be surrounded by people who uplift you and make you feel good about yourself.
T is for “Is this good for my time management?”
Sometimes, we say yes so many times that it has negative effects on our own life and schedule. It may feel like a compliment when people ask you to help them – they think you are very capable and useful. As great as this it can feel to be wanted and to help others, you need to prioritize your own tasks, too.
If you have the time and stability in your life to help others, go for it! If your schedule is totally jammed and you can barely finish your own to-do lists then lean on the side of saying no.
How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty
Typically if you are a people pleaser, you could feel guilty when you cannot make others happy. That is, saying No could upset other people, then you would rather suppress who you are. However, if you do things from a place of guilt or obligation, it is guaranteed to lead to resentment. The good news is, people pleasing is learned behaviors, that is, if you can learn them, you can unlearn them, at least you can learn to reduce the guilt when you say No.
1. The Art of Saying No – How to say No politely?
Saying No can be hard for many people. It is understandable that you don’t want to sound mean or hurt people’s feelings. Yet you can also practice to say no in a way that doesn’t offend people. There are actually many ways to say No politely without sounding like a jerk. For example,
I wish I could say yes to your kind invitation, but I have too much on my plate now.
Thank you for thinking of me, but I’m afraid I don’t have time for the party.
I’ll pass this time, thank you though.
As much as I love this opportunity, public speaking is not really my thing. I don’t think I can do.
That’s so sweet of you to include me, but I’ve already promised my sister to the beach. Maybe next time.
Let’s have a rain check for another day.
Unfortunately I have another commitment. Best of luck with your search.
I’m not really into football, but thanks for asking.
I know that sucks, but I really can’t. I’m sorry.
I with there were two of me, sadly I am not taking on anything else now.
It’s such an honor that you invited me, but I’m already committed to another project and I don’t want to let you down. Would you consider asking Felicia instead?
2. How to say No assertively
A direct and clear No is simple and assertive. Saying the word NO can be powerful. Say No if you are absolutely sure that there is no other answer. You do not need to apologize for saying it. If it is too anxiety-provoking for you to say No, practice saying the word again and again until it loses its power over you. Practice saying No clearly, concisely, and firmly:
No thanks!
Not today, thanks.
I’m afraid I can’t
Not for me, thanks.
I’d rather not, thanks.
No way, Jose.
I don’t think so.
Hell no!
3. Add “because” after saying No
Sometimes you may not feel comfortable by just saying No without an explanation. If you feel the need to add a reason after saying No, it is ok to use “because”. Research has shown that using the magic word “because” may have the power to get people agree with you. As for the reason you want to use, it does not have to be a great one. For example, instead of saying “Unfortunately I do not have time tomorrow to help you with your project”, you can add reasons such as “because I already have plans with my family”, “because I am busy with my own work”, or whatever trivia reasons you want to think of.
There are dos and don’ts when you give explanations. That is, do give short and sweet reasons; but don’t explain too much. When you say too much or give too long a reason, it may sound over-apologetic. In other words, it can give the other person an opportunity to ask for more, or it can just confuse them.
4. Tell a white lie if you have to
Most of the time, you just need to tell the truth and do not need to apologize for that. However, in some cases, you might need to get a little creative with your no. It does not hurt to tell a white lie to your grandmother, that is, your doctor said No when grandma always wants to feed you cookies.
5. Ok to change your mind after saying yes
If you already said yes and regretted it, it does not mean you are stuck with the yes. Simply communicate clearly, “I know I said yes to your invitation, but I change my mind”; or “I don’t think I can go any more”; or “I shouldn’t have said Yes because …”. This change your mind strategy can be a transitioning step. It helps you to see the possibility of saying and eventually say No directly and assertively.
6. Ask your friends and family to help you
Honestly share with your friends and family that you have this people-pleasing tendency. Tell them you may say Yes to them even if you meant to say No. Ask them to help you to clarify with you whether you really mean to say yes or simply say yes because it’s your habit. Chances are, those who truly care about you do not want you to please them at the price of your own happiness.
7. Seek therapy to learn to say No
If people pleasing is your habit for too long, it may be difficult to change easily. In this case, therapy could be the way to go. A good therapist can help you to learn the difference between desire and obligation to reframe your thoughts. Besides, therapy can help you to practice how to pause before you say Yes, and learn to say No more effectively.
Mind Connections can help you take control of your life and start saying no! If your teen struggles with peer pressure, our therapists can help them find the strength to rise above. Also, if you or a loved one faces anxiety over saying no and people-pleasing, our therapists can offer support.
