How to Help Your Teenager with Low Self Esteem
Being a teen can be tough in many ways. Teenagers with low self esteem can face struggles like self-doubt, body image issues, lack of confidence, difficulty with assertiveness, to name a few. As parents, it is important to learn how to help your teen improve their self esteem and build confidence. After all, it will help your teen feel more secure, do better at school, make good decisions, maintain healthy relationships, and improve their wellbeing.
What is Low Self Esteem in Teenager?
Self-esteem is how we perceive and think about ourselves. Low self-esteem is a thinking pattern that makes us view ourselves as inadequate, unlovable, or incompetent. Consequently, such distorted thinking patterns could cause low self esteem behaviors.
Teens’ Low Self Esteem Cycle
Having low self-esteem as a teenager can negatively affect their lives in many ways. For one thing, negative thoughts could lead to poor decision making, in particular, risky or self-destructive behaviors. This in turn could cause your teen many regrets, guilty feelings, and harsh self-judgment. Eventually self-esteem affects teens’ mental health and wellbeing in many ways. Research suggests that lower self-esteem was associated with “increased anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation.“
Furthermore, low self-esteem can prevent teens from going after or pursuing their dreams for the future. If your teen thinks poorly of themselves, how will they believe in their capabilities to achieve? Imagine there was a job that your teen wanted to apply for one day. If they have low self-esteem, they may fear that they are underqualified for the job. This fear of not being good enough can hold them back from even applying for the position.
Body Image and Low Self Esteem
Body image and self esteem often go hand in hand with each other. It can be challenging for a teen to accept themselves when trying to look like people on social media who are already perfectly touched up and edited. Social media can cause harmful effects on body image and self-esteem.
Grades and School
It can be challenging for a teen to see others getting good grades in classes and achieving if they are falling behind. Your teen may worry about seeming inadequate or “dumber” than the other kids. They may feel self-conscious when they are in class with their peers and they are the only one who isn’t getting the material. Your teen may start doing poorly in school assignments or projects and compare themselves to other classmates.
On the other hand, your teen may be a perfectionist in the making. Does your teen always bring home good grades to you? Do they win a bunch of medals and have trophies mounted on the wall?
Your teen might actually be dealing with low self-esteem, and you don’t even realize it. Many perfectionists feel their worth is based on how well they do in school or work. They rely on external validation and praise from others.
Unfortunately, when they don’t do well or fail occasionally, it can devastate the teen. Their worth is based on achieving and being “perfect,” and failing can make them question everything about themselves.
Relationship Issues
Low self-esteem can not only affect your teen’s relationship with themself, but it can affect their relationship with other people. When people have low self-esteem, it often transfers into their friendships or relationships. For example, someone with low self-esteem may struggle to find a romantic partner. They don’t believe they are worthy of someone’s attention or, even deeper than that, someone’s love.
If your teen has low self-esteem, they may worry about whether their friends even like them or why they bother having them around. It’s hard for your teen to see what other people could like about them when they don’t feel any value from within.
Signs of Low Self-Esteem in Teenager
Are you worried that you have a teenager with low self-esteem? Here are some signs that your teen might be struggling with low self-esteem – Your teen:
- Has constant self-doubt, self-criticism, or negative self-talk
- “I am ugly”;
- “I am stupid”;
- “I can never do well at school”.
- Feels overwhelmed with negative thoughts and emotions
- Believes that they are unlikeable or unworthy
- “No one likes me”;
- “Who wants to be my friend?”
- Apologizes unnecessarily and constantly people-pleases
- Has difficulty speaking up or making simple decisions
- You notice that your teen struggles to make decisions with seemingly everything from what to eat for breakfast to where to go to college
- Is unable to handle a genuine compliment
- Gives up on their goals or avoids putting themselves out there because they don’t believe they are good enough or capable
- Your teen has many unfinished projects that they feel too incapable of ever finishing
- Constantly compare themselves to others (in-person and online)
- Is afraid to contribute their opinion in any conversation
- Avoids challenges due to fear of failure
- Are over-sensitive about others’ opinions
- Is in destructive friendships or romantic relationships
- Your teen feels like they are unworthy of love or have little value so they don’t think they deserve to be treated well in friendships or relationships
- Feels easily depressed or anxious
Why Do Teens Have Low Self-Esteem?
Self-esteem begins in early in a person’s life. Some factors could lead to the development of low self-esteem in childhood which eventually carries on into adolescence and adulthood.
Childhood Issues May Cause Low Self Esteem
Self esteem is directly related to upbringing and primary caregiver relationships. An unhappy childhood could affect a teens’ self-esteem. Some examples include: absentee parents, critical parents, abusive parents, parents with authoritarian parenting style, and unsupportive parents. Meanwhile, stressful life events such as parents’ divorce and constant moves from place to place could also affect a teens’ self esteem.
Some parents are very hard on their kids and don’t give them the compassion they deserve. Since the child lack this compassion from their parents, they may find it hard to develop it within themselves. Low self-esteem can make them look for validation in the wrong people and put themselves in harmful or dangerous situations – many people with low self-esteem can find themselves in toxic relationships.
Bullying Could Lead to Low Self Esteem
Bullying can affect your teen’s self-esteem. When a teen is being bullied, they are often singled out amongst other teens and picked on for being themselves. In 2019, The National Bullying Prevention Center reported that:
- 13% of bullied students were made fun of, called names, or insulted
- 13% had rumors spread about them
- 5% were physically assaulted by being pushed, spit on, etc.
- 5% purposely left out of activities
Bullying, unfortunately, doesn’t only happen in person; it can also occur online. When you were younger, if you were bullied, you might have felt some safety when you got home to your house. You felt like you escaped the bullies while in your room away from the kids at school. Today, we live in a society where everyone has a phone and is online. Bullying can extend to social media bullying, and it could follow your teen all day, not just during school hours.
Social Media’s Influence
Indeed, social media can affect a teen’s self-esteem. It can feel like a 24/7 popularity contest on social media. When your teen posts a picture, they worry about how many likes or comments they will receive. If your teen posts a Reel or TikTok, they wonder how many views they’ll get and if they could even go viral. It can be devastating when your teen posts online and doesn’t receive positive attention at all.
Nowadays, your teen is scrolling on social media constantly. In 2018, The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry stated that 90% of teens ages 13-17 had used social media. The survey also reported that teens are online almost nine hours daily. Not getting many likes on a picture of themselves can make your teen wonder why they even post the image in the first place. They may think: Do I actually look good? I thought I liked this picture of myself, but now I’m second-guessing. Does everyone think I’m ugly?
The number of likes, followers, and comments on your teen’s accounts can feel like they amount to their self-worth. The fewer amounts of validation your teen receives, the less worthy they may feel. Although you may think the world of your teen, they might not feel the same way when they are under this social media pressure.
How to Help Teenager with Low Self Esteem
As parents, you may want to learn how to overcome low self esteem? There are different ways you can help your teen to practice and improve their confidence.
1. Talk to Your Teen and Support Them
First, be a safe space for your teen. Remind them that you are always someone they can vent to or talk openly with. Let them know you love them for who they are, not depending on their grades, trophies, or successes.
As mentioned before, a parent’s validation and approval for their teen can mean a lot. Please remind your child of how special you think they are, pick them up when they are down, comfort them when they are upset, and tell remind them of how much worth they have. Dealing with self-esteem issues as a teenager can be challenging, but knowing they have your support can make your teen feel less alone or isolated at this time.
2. Help Your Teen Develop Healthy Social Media Habits
Talk to your teen about the importance of healthy social media use. Constant social media use can cause stress to your teenager and make them struggle with their self-esteem. Remind your teen that they can have fun and find new experiences outside their digital device. Try to get your child to engage in life outside of social media.
Help them find sports teams, clubs, or youth groups to join. You also can plan different activities with them so they can get out of the house more – like having a day at the park, going to the library, joining an art class, or volunteering!
These activities can help your child socialize more with others and detox from their phones and the adverse effects that come with those devices.
3. Give Positive Affirmations and Model Confidence
Without a doubt, negative self-talk can be prevalent in a teenager with low self-esteem. Remind your teen about the importance of treating themselves with kindness. When you notice your teen getting into habits of talking negatively to themselves, remind them that this is harmful. Teach them about reciting positive affirmations and doing self-care activities.
Meanwhile, parents may want to be a role model for your teen to boost their confidence. That is, compliment them and validate them. When you praise your teen, it is essential to focus on the process and tie it to the outcome. In other words, make sure to reinforce their efforts, hard work, perseverance, and resilience. Of course, you want to congratulate their accomplishments and growth. Tell them how proud you feel about them. Such external validation can help your teen to improve internal validation, that is, eventually they will learn to internalize those compliments and improve confidence.
4. Promote a Growth Mindset of Self-Improvement
Encourage them to identify their strengths and weaknesses. That is, accept their flaws and make room for failure. By doing so, they can learn to strive for doing better with the help of their strengths.
With this growth mindset, you can promote a family environment in which teens will feel more comfortable to try something new or they may not be good at. In this environment, parents can encourage teens to set goals, implement different coping strategies, and handle difficulties when they arise.
5. Implement Teenage Self Esteem Activities
Self esteem activities for teens not only help them to build confidence, but empower them in many ways. Teenage self esteem activities may include,
(A). Self-Compassion Exercise
Parents can help teens to boost confidence to practice self-love or self-compassion. For example, ask questions like:
- What do my friends like about me?
- What traits, talents, skills, and qualities am I proud of myself?
- List 3 words to positively describe myself.
(B). SMART Goal Setting
Help your teens to set goals and take actions. This way, they will learn to ensure their goals can turn to results. Specifically, SMART goal includes:
- S– Specific. Include all details in the goals. For example, instead of saying “I want to be more fit”, list things like “I want to jog every afternoon for half an hour”.
- M– Measurable. Evaluate and have evidence to ensure your teen’s progress.
- A– Attainable: Make sure these goals are realistic and can be accomplished.
- R– Relevant: Your goals should align with your values
- T– Time-line: Your goals should be achieved within a realistic time frame.
6. Help Your Teen Plan a Mental Health Day
Have you noticed your teen is struggling? If so, suggest they have a mental health day! You can help them plan activities like:
- Making a vision board
- This activity can help your teen visualize their goals and dreams in front of them. Encourage your teen to hang this board on their wall and look at it each day
- Journaling with prompts that help them explore their self-esteem
- Creating a gratitude list or writing a gratitude letter to themselves (To learn more, read our article here)
- Practicing self-care or hobbies they enjoy
7. Advocate for Your Teen
Low self-esteem in your teen can be due to struggles in school with their grades or peers. Advocate for your child’s needs in school. One way is to help connect them with a tutor that will assist your teen with school assignments or lessons if they need more guidance. You can also suggest that they make a study group with their friends and even offer to host an after-school hangout for the teens to do homework and study.
Remind your child that you are always there if they need someone to turn to when experiencing bullying/cyberbullying. You can advocate for your teen being bullied by talking with school officials, teachers, or counselors.
7. Find a Therapist for Your Teen
Therapy provides a safe space for your teen to open up and receive guidance. A therapist can assist your teen in increasing their self-esteem and worth. If your teen seems to be going through signs of anxiety, depression, or bullying, therapy can help! Mind Connections wants to support your teen; call now!
Content Creator, Victoria Gallo; Reviewed by Dr. June Cao