Do you struggle with communication in a relationship?

Have you ever considered going to couple’s counseling for communication issues?

Do you want to improve your communication skills?

Healthy relationships are based on a strong foundation – one crucial part of this foundation is good communication skills. No relationship is just like the ones from romantic films. Humans are not perfect – we disagree, mess up, and make mistakes from time to time. Despite these issues, being able to communicate successfully with your partner is key to a strong bond.

Signs of Difficulties with Communication in a Relationship

Psychologist and relationship expert Dr. John Gottman summarized toxic communication as the four horsemen communication in a relationship. This especially happens when people deal with conflicts.  Namely the four horsemen are: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.

1. Criticism

Criticism refers to attacking or putting down your partner’s personality or character. It is different from complaint because the latter mainly focuses on your partner’s behavior not the whole person. For example, if your partner failed to do dishes as they promised, your response could be:

• Criticism: What’s wrong with you? You always break your promise. You never take care of any chores. How can I ever trust you? 
• Complain: We agreed that you’ll do dishes. I’d really appreciate if you can get the dishes done. 

2. Contempt

Contempt is when you say something really mean or us body language to show insult or abuse your partner. This could include rolling eyes, calling names, ridiculing, and mocking with sarcasm to show disrespect. Contempt can be really destructive and dangerous to a relationship. In fact, research suggests that contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. When your partner is late for an appointment, a typical contemptuous statement looks like this:

• Contempt: I would be shocked if you are ever on time. What do you think your watch and your phone are for? Oh, maybe you need to go back to kindergarten to learn how to tell time.

3. Defensiveness

Defensiveness is usually the response to criticism. You may make excuses, cross-complain, or play the innocent victim.  Defensiveness will only escalate the conflict if the critical partner does not back down or apologize. It rarely works because it is another way of blaming. For example, when your partner blamed you for keeping the toilet seat up again, your defensiveness could be:

• Defensiveness: Yeah, right, I kept the toilet seat up again. What about you? Look at all the hair on the floor. When did you ever clean it?

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling happens when you withdraw, shut down, or simply stop responding to your partner. Typical stonewalling include behaviors such as giving a silent treatment, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors. 

Why is it Important to have Good Communication in a Relationship

Communication in a relationship is important because it allows for issues to be tackled rather than swept under the rug and avoided. Good communication skills benefit the relationship and help it get through challenging times. 

Notably, good communication skills allow for:

• Important topics to be addressed
• Each partner to see their significant other’s point of view
• Discuss touchy subjects in a respectful/calm way
• Make each partner feel heard 
• Solve the issues at hand

Why is Communication in a relationship tough?

• Not wanting to upset your partner
• Feeling awkward or nervous sharing your emotion
• Fearing an argument will start
• Not listening to each other
• Getting defensive (refusing to think you did anything wrong)

Factors that Affect Communication in a Relationship

Attachment Styles:

Every person has their own type of attachment style. According to the APA Dictionary, attachment styles are how people relate to others. These styles usually develop when people are younger. They correlate to how they bonded with others in those developing years.

In a study by Sessa et. al, the researchers look at how secure, anxious, and avoidant attachment affect relationships. Firstly, people who have a secure attachment style feel a strong sense of self. In times of conflict, these people don’t fear expressing how they feel because people have usually been receptive to it. 

Secondly, people with anxious attachment styles feel unworthy. They also strive for others approval. Finally, people with avoidant attachment style may have felt like they were not listened to when expressing their emotions as a kid. This hurt them and, as a result, they detach themselves from others. 

In the study by Sessa et. al, researchers looked at how these styles affect partners when they have to deliver difficult news. They found that people with anxious attachment styles were more likely to speak to someone about this topic by trying to lessen the seriousness of it. People with avoidant attachment styles were found to be more blunt with their approach. 

Problem-Solving Skills

Confidence and self-worth affect people’s problem-solving skills. According to Egeci and Gencoz, if someone is more confident they will deal with conflict in a calm way. This calmness produces better results. The opposite is true for people with low confidence. People with secure attachment, which relates to higher self-worth, styles also reported higher satisfaction in their relationships. 

Failing to Understand Each other

Many times, people fail to put themselves in other people’s shoes. Empathy and understanding are very important in every relationship in our lives, especially romantic ones. This difficulty in understanding each other can come from many reasons. You and your partner may have grew up in different environments, family types, or were raised differently.

People in interracial couples might find it hard to always understand each other. People who have experienced discrimination or racism need support from their partner. When there is a lack of support or the partner questions the validity of this experience, the person with the trauma can develop even more trauma.

For example, the AAPI community has faced a rise in hate-crimes since the pandemic started. It would be insensitive and hurtful for someone who is dating an Asian-American to minimize this discrimination.

People who are of a different religion/spiritual practice also need to try and look at things from their partner’s perspective. 

Ways to Improve Communication in a Relationship

First, Listen to Each other

One of the greatest ways to improve your communication with your partner is to listen to them. Sometimes, feel like we are completely right in a situation. When we have this idea that we are without flaw, we tend to not think of our partner’s point-of-view. Having an open-mind and listening to their side of the story can lead to compromise. Also, listening to one another helps defuse the situation. If you both choose to sit down and listen while the other person talks, you will be less likely to talk over each other, scream over each other, or run away.

You can set time aside for each person to speak. You can time this on a clock or timer. Some people also benefit from a “talking stick” or item. When the person is holding this item, they are the only one who should be speaking. After they finish, the other person is passed the stick. Now they can share their own thoughts and respond.

Second, Look at Each other’s POV

• Different attachment styles
• Different cultures/race
• Varying family types and environments
• Different life experiences

Try your best to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Sometimes, we may never be able to fully walk a day in their shoes. For example, someone who is white will never get to experience life as their black partner. What is important, is doing your best to listen, be understanding, and support them. Also, educating yourself on social issues/history can help you try and understand your partner better. 

Ultimately, your partner knows their own experience better than anyone else. Be open to what they have to say and value their opinion. 

Third, Take Some Time

Many times, people say hurtful things in the heat of the moment. If you struggle with anger, it can be beneficial to take a breather when upset. Some people like to talk about issues right away. While, others prefer to pause and reflect. Find what works for your relationship in times of conflict.

In this breathing period, you can think about and plan what you will say to your partner. Write out your emotions or practice in the mirror to yourself. You can also share these thoughts with a loved one. This person can give you feedback.

Fourth, Be Kind But Not a Pushover

Always try to approach your partner in a calm, understanding manner. People with secure attachment style are more inclined to act this way. Be kind but, ultimately, do not lose sight of your own argument. Sadly, some people in life look at kind people as people they can manipulate and push around. If you feel like someone is not returning the same respect to you, that is not ok!

You deserve to have your side of the story heard and listened to. Stand behind your feelings and know that they deserve to be considered. 

Fifth, Consider Counseling

Sometimes, couples try hard to fix their communication skills but still struggle. Talking to a therapist can help! A couple’s counselor is a third-party that can provide their own un-biased opinion on the situation. They can also teach you skills to better communicate and understand each other.

Therapy for self-esteem building may also help people communicate better. The different attachment styles show that people’s self-worth is important in how they express themselves in conflict and how they relate to others. 

Our therapists at Mind Connections want to help. We have therapists that couple’s therapy and relationship issues. Our therapist provide LGBTQ-affirmative therapy and support to all couples. We also, help clients with self-esteem issues to increase self-worth. Call to learn more!

Content Creator, Victoria Gallo; Reviewed by Dr. June Cao