How to Handle an Argument With a Friend
Friendships can be hard to navigate sometimes. You may care for someone, but that doesn’t mean you won’t argue sometimes. Even best friends can still face difficulties from time to time. An argument with a friend is never fun, but finding ways to handle this situation properly can help you strengthen your bond with your friend and learn how to maintain healthy friendships after conflicts.
Some Reasons Why Friends Can Argue
Different reasons could cause an argument with a friend. Specifically,
Misunderstandings
Many arguments start from a misunderstanding. Many times when you are friends with someone, you love them and wouldn’t want to hurt their feelings. The argument may arise from a misinterpretation of what you or your friend were saying. For example, Amy and Carrie are friends who usually get along most of the time. One day, Carrie was asking Amy for advice while texting her.
People can perceive text messages differently in the age of social media and digital communication. When Amy was trying to help Carrie, her text messages made it seem like she was being insensitive or nonempathetic. If Amy and Carrie had just spoken in person, Carrie would have seen that Amy was just a concerned friend that wanted to give honest advice while still being empathetic. Her sentiments were not translated through the messages, and Carrie misunderstood Amy completely.
Not Seeing The Other’s Perspective in an Argument With a Friend
One way to have a healthy relationship and communicate well with someone is to see each other’s perspectives. When you can see things from your friend’s point of view, you will be able to empathize with them more and value their feelings. If a friend cannot do this, they may find it hard to relate to what their friend is saying if it doesn’t match their own narrative.
For example, something that might hurt Amy’s feelings might not hurt Carrie’s feelings. Maybe Amy is more sensitive to specific topics than Carrie. If Carrie makes a joke at Amy’s expense and she gets offended, Carrie should be able to see things from Amy’s perspective as well.
Other People’s Influence
Sometimes, your friendship has nothing to do with the argument you are having. You and this person may be good friends, but outside factors are influencing your relationship and causing you to fight. Sometimes, other people or situations make you argue.
You may be friends with someone who doesn’t get along with someone else you are friends with. In this scenario, you may feel in the middle of their tension. Your friend may feel it’s a betrayal to be friends with someone else they don’t like.
Attention and Attachment
Everyone has their own type of attachment style. According to the APA Dictionary, attachment styles are how people relate to others. These styles usually develop when people are younger. They correlate to how they bonded with others in those growing years.
In a study by Sessa et al., the researchers look at how secure, anxious, and avoidant attachment affect relationships. Firstly, people with a secure attachment style feel a strong sense of self. In times of conflict, these people don’t fear expressing how they feel because people have usually been receptive to it.
Secondly, people with anxious attachment styles feel unworthy. They also strive for others’ approval. Finally, people with an avoidant attachment style may have felt unheard when expressing their emotions as a kid. This neglect hurts them, and, as a result, they tend to detach themselves from others.
You and your friend may share different attachment styles, which can affect your friendship. One friend may be more anxiously attached and need more attention or reassurance than the other. Even if the other friend doesn’t mean to, they may not meet the person’s needs and don’t even realize it.
On the other hand, one friend may be more clingy and don’t realize that they are overstepping boundaries; this is why it is essential to communicate boundaries and limits with friends and expectations in any relationship you have.
Seemingly No Reason at All
Sometimes it can feel like you’re fighting with your friends over nothing.
There may have been something little that happened, and it blew up into a catastrophe. Often, when people get upset over small things, there is usually something else at bay. For example, your friends may be stressed about things happening, such as job stress, school anxiety, unemployment, relationship problems, etc., The pressure they face in other areas of their lives makes them upset over something minor that happened with you.
For example, Carrie is dealing with relationship issues with her partner and has recently felt anxious. She and Amy were supposed to hang out, but Amy was going to be a few minutes later than she thought. Carrie gets really upset and decides she doesn’t want to hang out anymore because of this incident. Amy might not have ever been late before, and it surprised her Carrie was acting this way. This argument may not be caused by what’s happening inside their friendship but by what’s happening outside it.
An Argument with a Friend Turned Breakup
Sometimes an argument with a friend can get so bad that it stops your relationship. As mentioned in our article about friendship breakups, this separation between friends can be tough to navigate for someone.
It can be devastating if these close relationships end in an argument with a friend or a best-friend breakup. You start to imagine all the memories, laughs, and special times you had together slipping away. The person you always turned to becomes the person you turn away from and don’t run over to when you see them in public accidentally one day. Even after years and years that passed, your parents will still ask you, “Have you seen ___ lately? I wonder how they are doing!”
Simply put, it is heartbreaking, so mending an argument with a friend is vital to saving meaningful friendships.
How to Handle an Argument With a Friend
There are different strategies to resolve conflicts with a friend. It is possible and essential to rebuild friendship after a fight. Here are some specific steps.
1. Communicate with Each Other
Usually taking a step back is necessary if intense emotions are involved. It simply helps you and your friends to stay calm before communication. As mentioned before, communication is vital to every friendship or relationship you have. In fact, effective communication during friend arguments allows you to share their perspectives. You are willing to maturely resolve conflicts while willing to respect and hear each other. To be a good communicator, here are some things you should do:
- Allow the other person to speak and share the perspective
- Actively listen
- Encourage honest conversations
- Be able to take criticism
- Be honest about your feelings
- Use “I” statements to express how you feel without blaming or attacking your friend.
2. See Each Other’s Perspectives
Seeing someone else’s side can really change your perspective of a whole argument. As mentioned before, if friends have different ways of living their lives, they may be affected by different things.
We are all unique in our ways and react to situations differently. Your life experience may not be the same as someone else’s. For example, if you have never experienced racism or discrimination, you may look at life from a more privileged perspective than your friends.
You may not find a joke about being gay offensive, but your openly gay friend lives in a reality where they can be hate crimed for people who take these jokes seriously and want to spread hate. Overall, be empathetic to the shoes your friend navigates life in and do your best to support them or be an ally.
3. Vent to a Friend and Get Different Opinions
Sometimes it is helpful to get an outside perspective on the situation. Going to a trusted friend you have and asking their opinion on the situation can help you get some clarity. You may not understand why your friend is upset, but when you share the situation with another person, they might give you an outlook you hadn’t realized.
Remember that venting and gossiping are two different things. Venting allows you to talk about a situation while expressing your emotions. Gossip is talking about someone maliciously about their appearance, character, etc.
4. Watch Your Anger
Arguments can get heated fast, especially when one or both people struggle with anger issues. You may blow up or lose your temper quickly when you have anger issues.
Be mindful of your anger because you don’t want to hurt the other person or say things you regret in the end. Sometimes, once you say something, you can’t take it back- you’re words to have meaning and value. To learn how to control your anger better, read our article here.
One way to control anger or lessen stress is to practice mindfulness. Take a deep breath and engage in activities to help you cope with your anger or feel better. Mindfulness practices help people find peace in the present moment and center themselves again.
5. Take Some Time
Sometimes friendship arguments can result in one or both people needing space. It can feel scary to take distance from your friend. If you talk to this person every day, you may miss these interactions or worry that you will never speak the way you used to again.
Space can actually be a beneficial thing if you think about it. Sometimes people need space to gather thoughts, think of why they are upset or figure out how to handle the situation. Space can be good because it prevents people from getting too angry or saying things they might regret later or don’t really mean.
6. Set boundaries
As mentioned before, people may have different boundaries in friendships. Establishing limitations in any relationship is essential. The other person may need to realize that they are making you uncomfortable or going past your limits because you guys have set certain boundaries.
On the other hand, if you establish boundaries with someone and they continuously respect or cast them aside, that is not okay. Boundaries are helpful because they show you who respects your comfort level at the end of the day. Here are some tips for setting boundaries:
- Self-reflect: Look within yourself. What limits would you benefit from setting with others?
- Communicate your boundaries: Let the person know you want to set a limit with them. Communicate your reasoning behind setting the boundary. If you feel nervous setting boundaries, try practicing with a friend or family member.
- Stand Firm: Saying “no” to someone and enforcing your boundaries can be difficult, especially for people pleasers. Don’t let the guilt cloud your mind and make you bend your own rules – you deserve to stand firm in your needs and wants.
7. Keep it Off Social Media
In the age of social media, many people bring their arguments or fights with people to the Internet. They may post “indirect” about people on Twitter, repost specific images about the situation, or talk about the other person online. Even though the Internet can be a space where people vent, try to keep your arguments offline. If you are friends with someone and they posted your problems on the Internet, you’d wished that they’d come to you first instead.
8. Apologize When Needed
Being able to apologize is a key factor in handling arguments. Many people find it hard to apologize even when in the wrong. Apologizing is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength. It is a sign that someone is mature enough to look within themselves, see that they did something wrong, and try to make amends for it. Also, accepting apologies can be something to work on, as well. Someone may have hurt you, and you want to resolve with them but find it hard to accept their apology. Look within yourself and see if you want to forgive this person and if you do, then accepting apologies is necessary.
Ways to Apologize to a Friend after a a Fight
Take responsibility: Acknowledge your role in the fight and take responsibility for your actions. Let your friend know that you feel bad about what happened. Meanwhile, express your regret about the hurtful things you said or did.
Say sorry: Say “I’m sorry” to your friend and make it clear that you mean it. Specifically explain what you’re sorry for. It is also important to state what you would do differently if you could go back in time.
Avoid excuses: Don’t try to justify your behavior or make excuses for what happened. Just apologize and try to make things right.
Offer a solution: Listen to your friend has to say and acknowledge their feelings. Ask your friend if there is anything you can do to make things better, and offer a solution if possible.
9. Go to Therapy to Better Handle an Argument with a Friend
You and your friends may be able to forgive and move on with your relationship. However, if repairing your friendship after the conflict is seemingly too much to do on your own, therapy can be a good option. Therapy helps you navigate all different types of friendship or relationship issues in your life. If you are struggling with an argument with a friend or a friendship break up, our therapists are available to help. We will help you to work on issues you may face such as depression, anxiety, difficulties with emotions, and attachment styles.
Call now for a FREE 15-minute consultation with someone on the Mind Connections team!
Content Creator, Victoria Gallo; Reviewed by Dr. June Cao