How to Get Your Teenager to Talk to You

Being a parent isn’t easy. In fact, raising a teenager can be very challenging and confusing. Teens are going through many changes, starting new experiences, and figuring out who they are as young adults. As a parent, it is normal to worry about your child’s wellbeing during this time. In particular, it’s natural to worry when the child that once told you everything turned into a teenager who keeps secrets from you. What can you do to make your teen to open up to you? How to survive teenage years? How to get your teenager to talk to you? 

To answer these questions, it is important to find ways to build trust with your teen. When you feel out of the loop about your teens’ life, maybe it’s time to learn and practice some skills. This way, it’s like you have a parent’s guide to have your teen to come to you for more guidance and support. 

Parental Anxiety When Raising a Teenager

Without a doubt, parents could have a lot of fears about the teenage year transition. Especially if this is the first child you have that is now a teen, it feels like there is so much to learn. What do parents of teenagers typically worry about? Here are some common concerns parents have about their teens.

1. Drugs and Alcohol Consumption

According to the National Center for Drug Abuse Statistics, many teens abuse illicit substances. As a matter of fact, 62% of teens have abused alcohol by 12th grade, and 50% of teenagers have misused a drug at least once. Notably, the NCDAS reports that drug use has went up in 8th graders by 61% in the last 4 years.

Indeed, these statistics are scary for a parent to hear. You want your child to be safe and stay away from any substance that can cause them harm, put them in dangerous situations, or make they act recklessly. With substance use, parents fear that it will turn to abuse quickly. Addictions forming or dependencies on these substances are things to have concern over as a parent.

2. Safe Sex and STI Prevention

In addition to worries over using alcohol or drugs, parents also fear their teens having unsafe sex. As much as many parents don’t want to accept it, their teen might be having sex or at least exploring the idea. Pretending that your teen would never do engage in sex might cause you and your family more harm in the long run.

In 2019, the CDC reported that young people (aged 15 to 24) make up half of the 20 million STI reports each year. In like manner, the CDC results show very high levels of teen pregnancy (ages 15-19 years old). These statistics are alarming for parents to hear, and make them worry about their teenager’s wellbeing.

Many schools lack proper sex education programs and vital information that can help teens make smarter decisions when it comes to sex. Also, may parents either push abstinence on their child as the only form of safe sex or refuse to talk about these topics with their teens. Overall, these issues all need to be addressed.

3. Unsafe or Drunk Driving 

Inevitably teens will embark on a new adventure in life – driving. Driving for the first time is exciting and liberating for most people. In other words, it signifies emerging adulthood, new beginnings, and freedom in life. Of course, parents worry about their teens wellbeing while driving. 

In 2019, the CDC reported that almost 2,400 teens in the United States (ages 13–19) were killed while driving. Not to mention, about 258,000 were treated in emergency departments for injuries resulted from car crashes. 

In light of mentioning drugs and alcohol consumption in the prior section, parents worry that their teens will drive while drinking and get into crashes. The CDC reports that accidents can also result from inexperience, too many teens distracting each other in the car, not using a seatbelt, and more.

4. Bullying

Bullying is something a teen might be struggling with in school or online. In fact bullying makes someone feel ashamed or embarrassed. It also causes the victim to have fear and intimidation. By the same token, bullying may bring the bully a sense of power and control. 

Bullying can be very harmful to a victim’s wellbeing. Research show that people who went through bullying are at risk developing depression or anxiety in their young and middle adulthood. Depression affects bullies and their victims in serious ways. Parents worry if their child is being bullied or cyberbullied without them even knowing.

5. Mental Health Struggles

Teens are at risk for many mental health issues. In general, teens might experience things like anxiety, depression, self-harm behaviors, or suicidal thoughts. Actually teens face many stressors in life, as well. These stressors come from school work, relationships, doubts about their futures, and friendship problems. All parents wants to keep their teen safe and help them with any problem they might be facing.

What’s more important, the scary thing about teen’s mental health struggles is that they are all happening internally. If a teen doesn’t open up about their issues, their parents fear they may miss the signs that they are struggling. Parents would do anything to prevent their child from suffering in silence and, at worst, contemplating suicide. 

6. Parents’ Other Big Worries about Teens

There are so many more worries parents have about their teenagers. For example,

• Teens’ academic performance. Will they get good grades on their exams? How about their GPA? SAT? extracurricular activities? Will they go to a good college?
• Friends. Are a bad influence? Is there too much peer pressure? Are my kids being isolated? 
• Future plans. What does the future hold for my teen? Such as career choice and other decision making.
• Screen time. Is my teen spending too much time on social media? Video games? Constant texting with their friends?
• Comparison. Is my teen being left behind? Is my teenager doing what everyone else is doing? 
• Teens’ relationship with parents. For example, my teenager does not listen to me; how come we always have conflicts? My teen treats me like their worst enemy. 
• Teens’ everyday life, or literally everything. Their health, nutrition, weight, height, sleep, energy level, and time computer gaming.

How to Get Your Teenager to Talk to You

All of these risk factors for teens are not meant to scare parents or make them paranoid. These alarming statistics coupled with unfortunate facts are here to bring light to the importance of good communication amongst parents and their teens. Here are some ways to help improve this communication and how to get your teenager to talk to you.

First, Let teens Know You are There For them

As much as parents want teens to open up, teens want to know that their parents are there for them. Sometimes, teens need to actually hear the words, “I am here for you,” rather than just having them assume it. Support systems are very important for all people. Without them, people can start feeling lost or alone in this world. When you clearly make yourself emotionally available, chances are you open the door to get the teenager to talk to you.

In 2020, The Trevor Project reported that, notably, over 40% of LGBTQIA+ respondents participated in self-harming themselves and seriously considering suicide.The results also showed that youth who had lower access to LGBTQ+-affirming spaces and social support in their lives had higher rates of suicide attempts. Social support is vital to the wellbeing of LGBTQIA+ people. Social support helps protect queer people from things like social stress and rejection. 

Second, Refrain from Showing Intimidation or Anger

Here is an important way of how to get your teenager to talk to you. One of the reasons teens may not open up to parents is because they fear getting in trouble, grounded, or yelled at. Of course, if a teen misbehaves or acts recklessly, these issues shouldn’t go unnoticed and should be addressed, but it needs to be done in an appropriate manner. If your teen comes to you for help or guidance, don’t push they away with anger and humiliation.

For example, a teen had unprotected sex and is scared of the potential consequences. They are all alone in their room thinking about the worst case scenarios and decide that they need support. The teen finally build up the courage to go to their parent and share this news. Their parent reacts with so much anger and disappointment. They yell at them and make them feel horrible about the situation.

The next time this teen has a problem, they probably won’t feel comfortable going to their parent for help. Instead of receiving the support they desperately need, they were met with none.

Mindfulness and Emotion Regulation

It is true that keeping your emotions in check can help a teen open up to you. Most of the time, your teen will know when they made a mistake or messed up. They already feel humiliated or embarrassed about what took place. You adding to those emotions will only make things worse. Of course, a parent should guide and encourage their child to do better and not make the same mistakes, but being mean, yelling, or belittling them will never help.

Some ways to stay calm in these stressful times is through mindfulness techniques. Practicing yoga, meditation, journaling, or breathing exercises can help promote peace in your life. Positive affirmations can also help enhance your tranquility. This will help you learn how to get your teenager to talk to you.

Try these phrases now:

I am…

• In control of my emotions
• Able to react calmly and efficiently
• There for my teen even in their worst moments
• Aware of how I feel and honor my emotions

Third, Learn to Communicate with Teenager

How to communicate with  teenager? Most parents usually ask a question “How is school?” Of course, the typical answer is just one word “Good”. Apparently this conversation would not go anywhere. Of course parents usually feel disconnected with teens in this type of conversations. 

How to have effective communication with teens then? A key element is respect and equality. Something else essential is curiosity. Take “how’s school” as an example. Alternatively, there may be many different ways to ask teens questions to start a meaningful conversation. 

• Who is your favorite and least favorite teacher this year?
• Any apps you can recommend for me?
• Who do have have lunch with at school?
• What would you wish I might have done differently as a parent?
• Can you teach me how to use these emojis?
• What’s your favorite YouTube channel?
• Are you happy with the number of friends you have?
• What was the best and worst part of your day today?

Fourth, Earn Their Trust

Earning your teens trust means a lot in your relationship with them. As a parent, you may not realize how important this idea is. Your teen is at a pivotal point in their life. They may be going through many new experiences; with new experiences comes new risk factors.

Even though you are worried about their safety, invading their privacy or enforcing insanely strict rules on them will not help. If you go through their journals, diaries, text messages, or computers your teen will find it hard to trust you. As much as you want to trust your teen, they want to be able to trust you. Invading their privacy or being really struct may cause them to look at you more as a boss they report to rather than a parent they can confide in.

Fifth, Educate Yourself So You Can Educate Your Teen

As parents, you have always guided your children and taught them since they were babies. The same way that they are in school and learning constantly, you can be actively trying to expand your view point and knowledge, as well.

It can fee intimidating thinking about the new generation of people after you. There are so many things you feel like you are out of the loop on or lacking in information about. For example, your teen probably has more knowledge about technology and the digital world than you do. Instead of being scared of learning, dive into your concerns.

Your teen may tell you that they are gender non-conforming or transgender. Even though you want to support them, you may not be clear on what this all means. Use resources online like the PFLAG or My Kid is Gay to educate yourself on the LGBTQ+ community. Another idea can be to just ask your teen to explain. They can share their first-hand knowledge with you and help fill in gaps where you may be lost. In the end, thank them for sharing this information with you! This education will really help you learn how to get your teenager to talk to you.

As much as you can learn from the new generation, they have so much to learn from you. Each parent, grandparent, or guardian of a teen has so much life experience, advice, and wisdom they can impart of youth. It is beautiful that you can learn from each other and teach one another new and important lessons. 

Sixth, Learn about Mental Health Signs

Learning about mental health signs can help parents catch when their child is going through. For many people, talking about mental health is still a taboo because of the stigma. Parents can set a good example by openly discussing mental health with their teens. By doing so, teenagers may find it easier to talk to you without worries of judgment. 

Here are some resources that can help you help your teen:

• Suicide Warning Signs
• What to say to to someone who is depressed
• Learn about teen anxiety
• Learn about teen’s school stress

Remember…

You don’t want to ever mess up and cause your teen any long-term harm. The important thing to remember is that we all were teens at one point. We know what it’s like to be in their situation and experience the type of things teens do nowadays. Through everything we went through as a teenager, you made it through! Don’t underestimate how resilient and strong teens can be. If you provide them with the support and important knowledge they need, your teen will be able to overcome the hardships life throws at them. You being there for them makes so much of an important impact in their life.

Mind Connections is here to support you or your teen. We provide counseling for teens to help them through any of life’s obstacles or challenges. We can also support parents who need support and advice in raising there teen. Our therapists can provide all the support your family needs!

Content Creator, Victoria Gallo; Reviewed by Dr. June Cao