How to Deal with a Passive Aggressive Partner
- What are the signs of a passive aggressive person?
- How do you know you are in a passive aggressive relationship?
- How to respond to passive aggressive behavior?
Your partner may not yell or scream. Instead, they express their difficult feelings subtly rather than directly. Apparently it is hard to read them or know what went wrong until it clicks for you one day. The APA Dictionary of Psychology defines passive-aggressive behavior as, “behavior that is seemingly innocuous, accidental, or neutral but that indirectly displays an unconscious aggressive motive.” Typically a passive aggressive person may
- give you the cold shoulder or silent treatment;
- roll their eyes or huff
- play the victim, such as “I am in debt and you are the only one who can help me.”
- say backhanded compliments or disguised insults, for example, “Your new bag is almost as good as Amy’s”;
- say yes when they mean no;
- deny anything is wrong if you ask them; and
- wait for you to recognize that they have been bothered
Why Are Some People Passive-Aggressive?
A passive-aggressive person may have the roots of behaviors in their childhood. Daniel Flint M.A. from Psychology Today explains that children with passive-aggressive parents may pick up their traits of “hiding anger.” Emotional abuse can also affect how a child communicates. That is to say, if they feel powerless or unable to express their emotions without it being received poorly, they may stray from doing so.
Not all passive-aggressive people have to go through these experiences; however, it might add some context to their behavior. Apparently some people just don’t like confrontation or talking about their emotions. Whereas some may be people-pleasers and dislike disappointing others. In other words, they are afraid that others will like them less if they share their true emotions.
Apparently self-esteem affects how people interact with others. For instance, some lack confidence in standing up for themselves and voicing their opinion. Indeed, a confident person usually advocates for their needs, sets firm boundaries and stands by what they are feeling.
A Passive-Aggressive Person in Relationships
As we all know, communication is vital to maintaining a healthy bond if you are in a relationship. As mentioned in our past article, poor communication in a relationship can entail:
- Criticism: Attacking or putting down your partner’s personality or character.
- Contempt: Contempt is when you disrespect your partner. Partners can do this through your body language to show insult or abuse your partner. Contempt can be demonstrated through rolling eyes, calling names, ridiculing, and mocking with sarcasm to show disrespect.
- Defensiveness: Defensiveness is usually the response to criticism. You may make excuses and cross-complain to get out of taking responsibility.
- Stonewalling: Stonewalling happens when you withdraw, shut down, or simply stop responding to your partner.
As a matter of fact, a passive-aggressive person’s behavior can fit into many of these boxes. Contempt can be shown in passive-aggressive, non-direct ways, like eye-rolling or cold body language. Stonewalling can be demonstrated through silent treatment, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors.
Obviously it can be challenging to be friends with or be in a relationship with someone who only communicates passive-aggressively. Any form of manipulative behavior by your partner can be challenging to deal with. In a healthy relationship, good communication involves listening to each other, expressing your feelings openly, and coming to a resolution. When someone is passive-aggressive and refuses to speak about their issues directly or ignore them, it can lead to unresolved problems. It can also make their partner feel ignored.
How to Deal with a Passive-Aggressive Partner in a Relationship
Indeed a passive-aggressive person should go on their own path to bettering their communication skills. Although you can always offer to help someone, the other person needs to be open and ready to make those changes in their life. Here are some ways to help support them in this process:
1. Slow Down and Stay Calm
Obviously manipulative behaviors can trigger a lot of difficult emotions. For instance, anger, frustration, shame, guilt, embarrassment, and fears. In reality, it is hard not to react to your partner when they are provocative. However, this usually diverts the attention on you, rather than the real issue of passive aggression. Therefore, it is essential to learn to manage your own emotions. The key to remain calm is to do the following:
- Be aware of your partner’s passive aggression. Recognize what behaviors could trigger you.
- Acknowledge the existence of your difficult emotions such as anger. Actually accepting your anger can help you to make peace with it.
- Slow down and pause to help yourself to remain calm. Different techniques such as deep breathing, tapping, and grounding techniques could help you in this process.
- Don’t take their behavior personally. Realize that it’s not a me problem, it’s a them problem.
2. Communicate How You Feel
You may be someone who has a healthy relationship with effective communication. In other words, you may find talking about your issues or being upfront with your feelings pretty easy or not intimidating. Unfortunately, others don’t always share that sentiment. For the reasons mentioned above, it can be challenging for people to confront their feelings or other people. Everyone is on their own journeys in life and handles things in their unique ways. While you can respect and understand people’s behaviors, it doesn’t mean you agree with them.
You may wish that your partner was more open with you. How to communicate your feelings?
A). Tell them how you feel.
Honestly express that you hate playing the guessing game and trying to decipher if they are actually mad or upset with you. You may notice that they give you the cold shoulder or ignore you rather than telling you if something is wrong.
B). Be specific about what behaviors bother you
Let them know that you do not like this behavior and wish things were different. Even if your partner does not like confrontation, they should care about your concerns and want to try and make you feel more supported.
3. Encourage Your Partner to Open Up
Your partner may be passive-aggressive because people never allowed them to communicate their feelings without being ignored, dismissed, or lectured. They may be coming from a place that needs inner-child work to heal past wounds from family systems and cycles. Knowing that you support them and want to hear their concerns can help them start changing how they view confrontation.
Confronting your feelings or issues in a relationship doesn’t have to be volatile or dramatic. It can involve healthy communication that allows each party to be respected and heard.
- Communicate to your partner that you will value what they say.
- Express to them how much you care about them and how you want to help them in this process.
- Show your empathy and understanding.
- Use non-judgmental way to express your thoughts and opinions.
- Help them to acknowledge that they are upset, and it’s ok to feel that way.
4. Be Assertive and Set Firm Boundaries
In fact, a passive aggressive partner may not have clear boundaries, or rather, is used to crossing your boundaries. They can target on you if you tend to avoid conflicts. Why? Because they can get their way when it is relatively easy to push your buttons. Instead, letting them know your limits can clearly convey the message that you are not a victim. Firm boundary setting can help people to respect you the way you deserve. Specifically, there are different steps to set boundaries assertively.
A). Announce your boundary
Clearly tell your partner what your likes and dislikes are. For example, “I don’t like it when you use silent treatment when you get upset. Actually I prefer we communicate openly about what bothers you.”
B). Repeat your boundary
Chances are your partner will continue to have their old behaviors even though you already told them not to. It is not necessarily they are trying to annoy you. Rather, it’s their habit to do the same and it’s hard to change overnight. That is why you may want to give the benefit of doubt and repeat your boundary when necessary.
C). Give warning
However, your partner may cross your boundary again anyway. In this case, you cannot simply keep repeating your boundary. Rather, give warning to your partner and let them know that there will be consequences if they do this again.
D). Give consequences
When they cross your boundary after your warning, giving consequences is an option. You can bring it to the open regarding the type of consequences you agree upon. Help your partner to understand that it is about the thing they did that upsets you, but not who they are. In other words, giving consequences does not mean you will stop loving them. Typical examples of consequences can include, your partner does more house chores, pays money for their behavior, gives you a foot massage, or anything you demand them to do.
5. Reinforce Appropriate Behavior
Research has shown that positive reinforcement is effective in behavior change. Specifically,
- Be the role model by being open and honest with your thoughts and feelings.
- Improve awareness of the progress your partner has made.
- Give compliments to your partner to encourage respectful behaviors and more positive change.
6. Remain Patient
It can take time to grow and heal from the past. People who are used to being passive-aggressive may need time to change these behaviors. A Healthline article shares that it can “take 18 to 254 days for a person to form a new habit.” Often, you can’t gauge exactly when someone will change; they will usually just evolve in time.
Try and be patient with your person. If they are making an honest effort to improve, try your best to give them compassion and understanding.
7. Get Creative
Sometimes, you can benefit from thinking outside the box. There are some activities that you wouldn’t expect can help you strengthen the bonds in your relationship. Some people do “trust exercise” activities – in one example, people may fall into the other person’s arms, and you have to trust that they will catch you. Trust is necessary for healthy and honest communication between couples. You want to know that you can trust your partner with the information you are sharing with them and that they will respect what you are saying.
There are even certain apps you can download that help couples communicate better. In these apps, you can notify your partner when you are feeling any negative emotion. These apps can help someone take baby steps into sharing their feelings more; they may feel more comfortable doing so behind a screen. It may take them time to build up to confronting or sharing how they feel face-to-face, and that’s okay! Progress takes time.
8. Check-In With Yourself
When you are supporting others, taking care of and checking in with yourself, and valuing your needs are essential. You must ensure that your needs are valued and receive the respect you need. It is great that you want to help your partner become better at communicating, but it doesn’t excuse them from mistreating you. If you feel like your partner is not making an effort to change, continuing to disrespect your needs, or is being abusive, that is not okay!
You deserve to be with a partner who cares for and respects you. You do not need to stay with someone who is inflicting harm on you. Check-in with yourself and your situation and get help if you feel like you are in a critical situation.
9. Couple’s Counseling
Couple’s Counseling can help you and your partner communicate better. A couple’s counselor is a third party who can provide an unbiased opinion on the situation. They can also teach you skills to communicate better and understand each other.
Our therapists at Mind Connections want to help. We have therapists that couples therapy and relationship issues. Our therapists provide LGBTQ-affirmative therapy and support to all couples. We also help clients with self-esteem issues to increase self-worth. Call to learn more!
Resources
If you are in an abusive situation, know that help is out there! Here are some links provided by the NCADV:
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline
- 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
- www.ndvh.org
- National Dating Abuse Helpline
- 1-866-331-9474
- www.loveisrespect.org
- National Sexual Assault Hotline
- 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE)
- www.rainn.org
- New York State Coalition Against Domestic Violence 1-866-604-5350
Content Creator, Victoria Gallo; Reviewed by Dr. June Cao