Ghosting: Why People Ghost and How to Cope with Being Ghosted
Do you have questions about ghosting? Questions like:
- Have you been ghosted online dating? Ever wonder why you get ghosted?
- Have you ever ghosted someone else in online dating? How does the ghoster feel about ghosting someone? What ghosting says about you?
- Do you wonder how anyone could go through with ghosting someone you love?
- How to respond to ghosting? and how to get over ghosting?
Ghosting in online dating is very common. In this article, we will discuss the psychology of ghosting and how to cope with ghosting in its different forms.
What Is Ghosting Online Dating?
Ghosting is cutting someone off and ending things with them, usually without an explanation or conversation. This process can happen in many different situations and relationships. Ghosting happens often in online dating.
When Do People Get Ghosted Online Dating?
People can get ghosted right after matching with someone on an online dating app. This can be very frustrating since swiping on apps can be so tedious. You spend so much time invested in dating apps. That is, you take time to download the apps and set up your profiles; you pick out your favorite pictures of yourself and meticulously place them in order of how attractive you think they make you seem. Constant questions about “how do I look?” “Do people think I look ___ blank in this picture?” flood your brain. You worry about how many matches you are receiving – if they are high, you feel great, but if they are low, you feel discouraged.
When you finally get a meaningful match and have a conversation, you start feeling excited. Maybe this time, it will finally work out! Turns out, you end up getting ghosted in online dating once again. People can get ghosted before they even go out (i.e., the person doesn’t respond after setting a plan)or after a date. Even worse, some people get ghosted after actually dating. The Conversation shared that 29% of the respondents ghosted someone they had dated, and 25% got ghosted.
Who Are the Ghosters?
In 2018, The Bustle shared that women were 150% more likely to ghost someone in online dating. These stats can seem harsh, but is all ghosting bad? Do people have valid reasons for ghosting, or is it an overall hurtful way to end a relationship? The answer seems complex.
Types of Ghosting
We’ve all heard of ghosting, but did you know that there are a few different types of ghosting that people can experience? Here are some terms to examine:
Soft Ghosting:
Soft ghosting is when someone likes/acknowledges a message someone sends them but doesn’t follow up with any other conversation.
Breadcrumbing:
Breadcrumbing is when someone continues to flirt with another person even though they have no intention of actually dating. People might do this because they like attention or feel lonely.
Friendship Ghosting:
Many people only look at ghosting in a romantic aspect, but ghosting can happen in any relationship, even friendships. Friendship Ghosting is when someone cuts off, stops replying to, or avoids their friend with little to no explanation.
Professional Ghosting or Job Ghosting:
As if finding a job isn’t frustrating enough, you can get ghosted by HR or employers. People will go on multiple interviews (even having to do assignments/tasks for employers without being paid) to just get ghosted.
Job ghosting could happen early or later in the hiring process. The HR team may stop responding after one email or after 3 interviews!
Zombie:
Many people like watching zombie movies but would not want to deal with an apocalypse taking over their lives. The name “Zombies” refers to people who have ghosted you coming back into your life (or trying to). The so-called ghoster “rises from the dead.”
How Do I Know I Was Ghosted?
Am I being ghosted? Maybe they are just too busy to answer. I will probably hear back later. These thoughts probably infiltrate your mind when waiting for a text back from that person. You anxiously glance at your phone each time you hear it “bing.” Every time the screen lights up, you look for that person’s name to appear.
Eventually, you come to terms with the fact that this person will not respond. How many days until I know I’m experiencing ghosting online dating? Most people consider being ghosted after three days of not hearing back from the person.
Signs of Ghosting Online Dating:
The following signs are usually the indicators that you may have run into a ghoster. The person:
Slows down with sending messages – the person may have always answered your messages fast, but now their messages are few to none.
Only likes your messages but doesn’t continue the conversation, as mentioned before
Responds to other people around you but doesn’t answer your messages
Doesn’t respond to your emails about the job or update you about your application (even when they said they’d “be in touch”)
Shows no interest in going out with you to hang out or meet up
Only responds when you text them or reach out to them first
If you feel like you might be experiencing ghosting online dating, compare your experience to the suggestions above. Do you relate? If so, you may be wondering why.
Why Do People Ghost in Online Dating?
If you have been ghosted, you are left with so many questions. since there was no final conversation or closure, you are unsure why it had to end this way. What did I do? What could I have done better? Is it my fault? Did they find someone else? How could you think of ghosting someone you love?
Theresa E. DiDonato, Ph.D., suggests that people ghost online dating for a few different reasons. These reasons can include avoiding unpleasant conversations, losing interest, getting an “ick” (when someone does something usually cringy or unsettling that makes them look undesirable), or feeling unsafe. Overall, many times, it is because of the ghoster’s lack of emotional maturity or communication skills.
Lack of Communication Skills
Some people don’t have good communication skills. According to the APA, good communication skills lead to effective and clear conversations. People with good communication skills can get their points across clearly while respecting other people’s opinions and hearing them out. Since many ghosters lack in these abilities, people will choose the convenient option of ghosting online dating.
Some people may decide not to communicate because the conversations are too hard for them to have, and others may just not want to be bothered – this brings us to our next point.
Lack of Empathy
Many people lack empathy. Empathy is when you can put yourself in other people’s perspectives and consider how they would feel. Our internet use has made people less empathetic. Studies show that the more people use their devices and social media platforms, the more negatively impacted their empathetic abilities are.
Many people do and say things on the internet that they wouldn’t do in their day-to-day personal lives. Some people take on different personas and express themselves with clothes or makeup they wouldn’t wear in public. Others may find a sense of security in anonymous profiles and comment hurtful messages all around the internet.
People may find it easier to detach from others when it comes to dating apps. Especially if you have never interacted with or met the person behind the screen, you can find it easier to stop communicating with them.
Found Someone Else
When people get into more serious relationships or find someone they want to invest all of their efforts into, they will probably ghost the other people they were talking to before. For example, suppose someone is on a dating app and casually talking to/dating multiple people. In that case, they will probably delete their app and stop communicating with other people (if they are in a committed monogamous relationship).
This can also go along with the idea of professional ghosting. Instead of asking yourself, “how can you go through ghosting someone you love?” you may ask, “how can you ghost a potential hire?” When the hiring team finds someone they want to hire, they may just drop the other potential candidates and not follow up with them about their application status.
How the Ghosted Feel
According to Researchers, ghosting online dating has become more normalized. This can negatively affect our interactions with others, that is to say, people will start considering others’ feelings less and lose empathy. Is ghosting abusive? At least it is cruel. This article also brings up psychologist Jennice Vilhauer‘s comments explaining that ghosting is like giving someone the “silent treatment,” is “emotionally cruel,” and prevents the ghosted from healthily getting closure and moving on.
Ghosting someone you love is a stab in the back. Many people may also feel abandoned after getting ghosted. Imagine that you are good friends with someone and then suddenly never hear from them again. Friendship breakups can hurt, but outright friendship ghosting can hurt even more. You may have had a deep connection with this person, relied on them, and had trust in them, only to be left with silence and unanswered questions.
Ghosting Online Dating and its Emotional Damage
Dr. Vilhauer also suggests that ghosting can harm the ghosted’s self-esteem since they cannot share their side or emotions. The ghosted is basically silenced and rendered silent because even when they reach out or try to talk, their remarks fall on deaf ears. As mentioned before, since the person has no answers to their questions, they can start blaming themselves and thinking about all the possible things that went wrong – this can be especially harmful to people who have problems with ruminating, as seen in OCD, anxiety, or PTSD. Rumination causes people to constantly review and think about things that stress them or worry them. People may also start catastrophizing or assuming the worst.
According to Dr. Vilhauer, ghosted people may also have their emotional regulation disrupted – due to the silence and cutting off, ghosted people are robbed of crucial social cues and, in turn, don’t know how to respond or process the situation appropriately.
Overall, ghosting online dating makes the ghosted feel confused, betrayed, hurt, offended, and awful. For some, depression and ghosting online dating could go hand in hand.
How to Cope With Being Ghosted?
It can be hard to deal with ghosting online dating, but you can make it through! It can feel lonely after being ghosted but know that you are not alone. Unfortunately, so many people ghost and get ghosted, especially in the age of dating apps and technology. Here are some ways to cope with being ghosted:
Self-Reflect (In a Realistic Way)
As in any breakup or end of a relationship, it is essential to reflect on your actions and focus on where you went wrong. Self-reflection helps us hold ourselves accountable and note how we can be better in future situations. After being ghosted, reviewing how we were in this interaction or relationship can still be beneficial. Hold yourself accountable when you could have been better, and don’t blame yourself entirely.
After being ghosted, many people blame themselves completely or think they deserve to be ghosted. Unless you provided an unsafe environment or were abusive to the other person, you did not deserve to be ghosted!
Realize You Deserve Better
As mentioned before, you deserve better than being ghosted. Some people get ghosted when they weren’t even in the wrong. In other words, it’s like they are getting punished for crimes they didn’t commit. Here are some reasons ghosting online dating happened:
- For expressing or sharing their feelings: Ghosted because the other person didn’t want to deal with it or have a conversation
- Honestly expressed how they felt: Ghosted because the other person didn’t want to have such a commitment
- Called out toxic or harmful behaviors: Ghosted because the other person can’t take accountability
- Asked when you were going to go out again: Ghosted because the person didn’t see a future with you or had a bad time on a date
Overall, if you experienced any of these situations, you did not deserve to be ghosted! The other person should have talked with you and expressed how they were feeling instead of dropping you.
Work on Self-Esteem
Ghosting online dating can hurt your self-esteem. Make sure that you encourage yourself and treat yourself with kindness and compassion. Practice self-care, lean on support, do things that make you happy, and remember that you are always worthy of respect.
What to Do When a Ghoster Returns?
When a ghoster came back, how do you respond? Actually there may be different scenarios. Some ghosters may pretend nothing happened or even give different (sometimes unbelievable) explanations like: they lost their phone, their uncle died, or they suddenly went abroad on a business trip where it was impossible to contact you.
Some ghosters return with a multitude of apologies.
Overall, the simplest and probably the best way to deal with a zombie is to ignore them. However, if you are interested in talking again, it is essential to set clear boundaries. That is, what you expect in a relationship, what kind of commitment you are looking for, and at least let them know how you feel about being ghosted before you give them the second chance.
Is All Ghosting Wrong?
Ghosting online dating is wrong when you could have easily talked to them and explained the situation/your feelings. If someone is abusing you, physically or emotionally, ghosting is not wrong. Don’t feel obligated to stay with someone who is causing you damage and harm. If someone makes you feel unsafe or in danger, you have to prioritize your wellbeing and safety.
Resources
If you are in an abusive situation, know that help is out there! Here are some links provided by the NCADV:
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline
- 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
- www.ndvh.org
- National Dating Abuse Helpline
- 1-866-331-9474
- www.loveisrespect.org
- National Sexual Assault Hotline
- 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE)
- www.rainn.org
- New York State Coalition Against Domestic Violence 1-866-604-5350
Seek Therapy
Therapy can help people who have been ghosted. If you feel like you are experiencing troubles with low self-esteem, rumination, or catastrophization, therapy can help you find ways to cope. Our therapists at Mind Connections specialize in helping people with OCD, anxiety, PTSD, and more. We also help people deal with relationship issues at any stage of their lives. Call now to set up a FREE 15-Minute consultation to learn more.
Content Creator, Victoria Gallo; Reviewed by Dr. June
Can you write something on how to avoid dating bad guys?
Ghosters made me never want to date again