Ways to Cope when Losing a Spouse Unexpectedly
Losing a spouse unexpectedly is devastating. Nothing ever prepares you for such a tragedy no matter how young or old they were when they passed away. It can feel like it flipped your life upside down. Understandably the tremendous amount of grief of a spouse can take a lot of effort. Especially during the first year after losing a spouse, you may ask yourself, “Why did this happen to me?” “Can I ever heal?” “How to heal after death of my husband?”
When Things Happened Unexpectedly
Unfortunately, your spouse may unexpectedly become sick. There are so many different illnesses that people can develop in their lifetime; The American Cancer Society estimated that 1.9 million cancer cases would be diagnosed and 609,360 cancer deaths would happen in 2022. Furthermore, so many things can happen to your spouse that unexpectedly take your spouse’s life.
It can be a lot to process if your partner comes down with a life-threatening diagnosis. You’d do anything in your power for the person you love; standing next to them while they suffer can be very trying. When you truly love someone, you want to see the best for them. Accepting that all you can do is support someone in these times and can’t completely rid them of their pain can be so challenging.
Hearing an unexpected diagnosis of your partner can be extremely difficult, but so can losing them in an unexpected accident or situation. Losing a spouse unexpectedly can mean that they left the house one day and never came back. Maybe they got into a tragic accident, and you never got a chance to say goodbye or hear their voice for the last time. Some may say “my husband died suddenly heart attack”, or “my husband died in front of me”. It is extremely difficult to accept that they are gone.
The Grieving Stages After Losing a Spouse Unexpectedly
As mentioned in our past article, in times of significant loss, people go through 5 stages of grief. These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You may be able to relate to some or all of these the grief of a spouse.
Stage 1. Denial
It may be hard to believe that your spouse is really gone. You look at your wedding photos or holiday cards and remember the good times you had with this person. It is hard to accept that the person you loved the most is no longer here with you.
Losing Your Person
Losing your spouse unexpectedly can mean losing your person. The person you felt most comfortable with or considered your best friend in life. This person’s absence in your life feels like it left a space in your life and your heart.
Losing Your Dreams and Plans for the Future
You made plans with your spouse that you thought would unfold in life. You may have had plans to travel the world, have a bunch of kids, and accomplish many goals together. The person you planned to grow old with has left your life unexpectedly, and all your ideas about the future have shifted. You think to yourself, “What am I going to do with my life now?”
Stage 2. Anger
It doesn’t feel fair! Why do our loved ones have to go, especially when it feels too soon? You may be experiencing anger right now; anger at the world, the gods or higher powers you believe in, or even at your partner for leaving you.
Losing Your Hope
Losing your spouse unexpectedly can make you start to question so many things in your life. You may begin to question the meaning of life or your outlook on it – some people start doubting their religious or spiritual beliefs. People can lose faith in their beliefs and question why this would happen to them. They start to ask:
- Why do people pass away unexpectedly?
- What will I do next with my life?
- Will I ever love again? Will I ever get over my spouse?
- Do I even want to move on?
- What would my spouse want for me?
- Will I make them proud?
Stage 3. Bargaining
In this stage, you may be trying to negotiate a plan with a God, a higher power, or fate to stop this loss from occurring. You try to make compromises so that this pain won’t happen again.
Stage 4. Depression
A spouse’s death can be extremely overwhelming and devastating. Losing your partner can bring an array of emotions to a person. Naturally this can cause you to feel down about yourself and life. Depression may start entering your life. The NIH reports that older adults can face an increased risk of depression.
Depression symptoms
- Feeling sad, lonely, helpless, hopeless
- Having an underlying feeling of emptiness
- Sleeping too much or too little
- Reduced appetite and weight loss, or increased appetite and weight gain
- Low energy and loss of pleasure and interest in activities you once enjoyed
- Agitation and irritability
- Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
- Thoughts of suicide or death
Someone with depression may show these symptoms that the person around them can identify, while others hide their feelings. Someone may be experiencing PDD or “high-functioning depression.” According to the Mayo Clinic, PDD is believed to be milder than major depressive disorder; the “symptoms usually come and go over a period of years, and their intensity can change over time.” When the signs of high-functioning depression are more manageable, it could be hard to tell that someone with PDD has been struggling. People with PDD may appear to be doing well despite their underlying emotions.
Anxiety in Grief of a Spouse
You may also feel anxious after losing your spouse unexpectedly. Since this death happened without much warning, it can make you worry about what is to come; you may think: Will I lose someone else tragically? Will I die unexpectedly?
Some signs of anxiety can be:
- Constantly over-thinking
- Facing constant stress or worries
- Expecting horrible things to happen and expecting the worst
- Difficulties with concentration
- Memory problems
- Shortness of breath
- Chest pain
- Feelings of guilt or shame
Stage 5. Acceptance
In the final stage of grief, you will detach or resign from this grief. It doesn’t mean that you will not miss your spouse anymore. In reality, you are just trying to move on with your life and have peace in your life one day.
Ways to Cope When Losing a Spouse Unexpectedly
1. Be Present with Your Feelings in Grief of a Spouse
As mentioned before, you will go through different stages in the grief of a spouse after their sudden death. It is natural to feel different emotions, whether being shocked, sad, confused, helpless, hopeless, or angry. Typically, different emotions may appear at different stages of grief of a spouse. Learn to accept your feelings and emotions when they surface. That is, being present with your grief will allow you to work through it as it comes and goes.
Remember, the grieving stages after losing a loved one may not be linear, and you may relapse. You may feel fine one moment and then find yourself back in one of these stages. These experiences are totally normal and part of your healing process. Without a doubt, you deserve to be gentle with yourself as you mourn this loss.
2. Lean On Support and Ask for Help
Ask for Help for Practical Needs
As you are grieving the loss of your spouse, there are still many things that you need to handle all at once. For instance, dealing with funeral home, insurance companies, attorney, employer, social security, and announcing to family, friends, and loved ones. When children or children from deceased spouse’s previous relationships are involved, it is even more complicated. Most likely, you will repeat a lot of information again and again when you talk to different people. The list of things to do may seem endless. Obviously this can quickly become overwhelming.
Given the endless demand of organization and handling, it is important to appoint close friends or loved ones to help you. Specifically, consider appointing a spokesperson to make phone calls for you. Have professionals to help you to deal with different departments and agencies to handle specific issues. Get loved ones to help you to take care of your children when necessary. By doing so, you help yourself stay grounded and organized.
Seek Emotional Support
Grief of a spouse can be lonely, but don’t be afraid to lean on your support system and ask for help. In these challenging times, being cared for by your loved ones can be crucial; losing a partner may make you feel lonely or isolated in this world. Don’t forget that there are people who love you and want to help you. Vent to loved ones, cry and show your emotions instead of suppressing them, accept offered help, and go to them when you feel like life is overwhelming you.
If you wish you had more social support or feel like you can benefit from meeting other people in a similar position, then joining a support group can help. A support group provides a place where people can share personal stories, express emotions, and be heard. Support groups foster an atmosphere of acceptance, understanding, and encouragement. Together, group members learn to solve problems and cope with various issues in life. Without a doubt, healing and growth happen when a group of people come together and just listen to each other.
3. Take Care of Yourself
Remember to care for yourself in these challenging times. When we are experiencing hardships, it can be easy to forget about our needs or stop prioritizing our mental and physical health. Taking care of your basic needs can mean:
- Making sure you eat and drink enough water during the day
- Allowing yourself to take mental health days when needed
- Setting boundaries and prioritizing your needs
- Socializing with people who make you feel happy and get your mind off of things
- Show self-compassion and acceptance along the way.
4. Moving on Isn’t Selfish
As mentioned before, losing a partner unexpectedly can feel like you are losing the hopes and dreams. Remember that you can dream another dream; it may be different than what you originally wanted, but you are still entitled to dream it. You deserve to keep setting goals in your life even if your partner is sadly not here to do them with.
Don’t listen to the pressures of society, your family, friends, or anyone who makes you feel like you need to move on faster than you are ready to. Opening yourself up to love again can take time. Focus on your healing journey and do what makes you feel comfortable.
If you finally feel ready to move on, you don’t need to feel guilty. Moving on and planning for your future doesn’t in any way dishonor the memory of your spouse. Your love for your partner can never be forgotten or replaced. Your relationship will always have value and meaning in your life, even if you move on with someone else. Moving on doesn’t mean you love your fallen spouse any less; it just means that you are trying to keep pushing forward and living your life. The moving on process involves small steps that will eventually lead to your grief recovery when you’re ready.
5. Consider Therapy
You may want to consider therapy to help you find healing and closure of grief of a spouse. The team at Mind Connections provide effective and supportive grief counseling. Our therapists can help you get your life back together after a loss. They can help you understand your grief and bring together a plan to guide you in your life. A grief plan can help you to set milestones that give you something to work towards and look forward to. Our therapists can also help you deal with the depression or anxiety that comes from losing your spouse unexpectedly and help you cope with this experience.
Contact us by email or call us free for 15 minutes. We are here for you. You do not have to face this time in your life alone!
Content Creator, Victoria Gallo; Reviewed by Dr. June Cao